Whitewash the Server Room

Another cool one from this morning.

The tech asked for help with inventory so I sent one of my people, a normally dependable person with him.
They keep coming back looking for more asset tags.
Keep coming back.
Needing more.
For a small room.
I try to ignore it but I can't.

Employee - "Can I have some more tags."
Me - "No gawd dammit. You have over 350. How could you use that many?"
Employee shrugs. "Lots of stuff."
Me - "Fuck that."

I go into the room. The tech is busy with an emergency and left this kid with instructions to asset stuff.
Oh he has, he has begun by sticking asset tags on the computers, and their video cards, the fucking power supplies, vga cables, and the empty boxes the hard drives were in, the racks, the memory boxes, the hard rives and their wires.
Basically...everything.
Everything. Little white barcode tags are dotting half the room like someone flicked paint on everything.
The best part, the kid barcoded the barcode reader (he didn't know thats what it was).
The tech comes in and sees what has happened.
Tech - "What the fuck?"
Me - "Did you tell him to asset everything?"
Tech - "..."
Me - "That's what I thought."

So now the kid is in there tearing off asset tags from everything. Even the god damn video card he got ahold of.
And I ask the tech why he had to leave.
Tech - "Some random employee thought the AC was too loud for their meeting and when they could not find the switch they saw the AC for the server room and thought it fed the others and unplugged the secondary unit."

Good times.

Case of the Missing Batteries

I come into the office one Monday morning.

ALL the batteries are gone from all the remotes, from the bosses remote/laser pointer and from two wireless mice.
I already know what the fuck happened.
I go down to the video room and the Wii is out and all the remotes are sitting there.
Batteries from all of the employees are there.
I find the employee I know did it.

Me - "Why did you take the batteries"
Employee - "My friends were here and we wanted to play the Wii."
Me - "First of all its not your stuff, second you can't bring friends in on the weekends. And why is the log not signed out for the room"
Employee - "I didn't want anyone to know that they were here."
Me - "Obviously...but why?"
Employee - "Well two of them have got in a lot of trouble with the law for stealing."

Sigh.

The Little Goldfish That Could

And another gem.

I hear a spoon being mulched by the garbage disposal.
So I go to the kitchen.
No one.
The disposal is barely running and in safe mode a little audible alarm going off.
I come to it, unplug it and remove a very warped and bent fork.
Employee is no where to be seen.
Hmmmm.
I go sit down.

"Hey why won't the disposal work." I hear someone yell.
I get up and walk over.
Me - "There was a fork in it, I unplugged it."
Employee - "That was mine. I was cleaning my beta fish bowl and the glass marbles fell down the drain."
Me - "With a fork?"
Employee - "I was using the fork to get them out."
I now notice what the employee has in their hand.
The wet/dry vacuum.
Me - "You were NOT going to try to vacuum the marbles out were you?"
Employee - "No...."
They stand there.
I stand there.
10 seconds of them standing there.
Employee - "Its a wet/dry."

Me - "I am calling someone don't touch it."
Employee - "ok"
I call the plumber who comes in.
The fucking employee had dropped the beta fish in there. And aside from a torn fin he was alive!
That fucker was going to fork that fish out, then wet vac him out.
Well... I guess he was trying.

 Followup:
Mc Scrappy Pants is now on my desk.
I don't care if we are not supposed to have shit like this at our desk.
I saved the little bugger he is mine.

Brighter Than the Sun

I am walking to lunch. Its time to eat and my brain is on a burrito.
I come down the stairs. The boss is heading up the stairs
Boss - "Do you have a minute?"
Me - "Oh sure"

We walk up 3 flights of stairs to the conference room. He points at the conference projector.
Boss - "It's not super bright."
Me - "We don't have shades on the room, remember that's what I asked for but you said no."
Boss - "Ya but I thought the projector would be brighter."
Me - "I can get some shades"
Boss - "Can you look into a different projector...?"
Me - "..."
Boss - "because it should be brighter."
Me - "It can't beat the sun..."
Boss - "Oh I know but see if you can get a newer one."
Mind you this is less than 6 months old.
Me - "I don't agree with it but sure."
Boss - "Ok thanks."

I go and eat my lunch.
The cell rings.
Boss - "Did you order a projector yet."
Me - "I am at lunch. That's why I was outside when you stopped me."
Boss - "So...if you haven't then don't. Why don't we get blinds that would be cheaper and-"

I hung up.

NSFW?

This one actually made me smile.

Two weeks ago the receptionist called me in a tizzy.
Her - "Come to my desk...pleeeezzzze."
Me - "On my way" I knew something was up. She is pretty solid.
I go to her desk and she is sweating bullets looking like she is going to puke from worry.
Me - "What?"
Her - "I accepted a package for the other business."
This is normal, we take their packages sometimes as they are a part time business ran by a couple people.
Me - "Call them and tell them."
Her - "I didn't know it was theirs."
Me - "Shit"... that meant she opened it... I could tell right away from how she said it.
What was it...?

It was a female product of the 6" variety. I swear on my life, loves and family.
In nice hard plastic bubble wrap. And the back of the product was NON marked.
So the receptionist picked it out of the box with the actual safety cone orange side...facing the CEO as he stood in front of her checking the morning mail and bitching because their was no candy at the front desk.

Yes friends she opened a dildo...in front of the boss.
And guess who got to walk said dildo to the other company and apologize for opening it.
That would be me.

Idiot Jenga

I spent almost 4 hours today trying to figure out a way one of my employees could find hours available in his job to stack boxes like the main boss wants.

You see our printer room always has stuff in it, our bosses are always showing people around... our bosses don't like boxes... even though those boxes are money to us.
So each week we spend about 2-3 hours stacking... boxes in random places so that they don't get to high to draw attention and are still nearby to ship out.

Its like a case of Idiot Jenga.

Recycled Vegtables

I noticed today that one of the employees was FILLING the recycling with vegetable slices, extra bits and rinds. I noticed this for a couple hours and then finally tracked them down.
This is the EXACT conversation.

Me - "Are you putting veggies and fruit and shit in the recycling box?"
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "Why don't you put them in the compost or the garbage."
Employee - "They are full."
Me - "Then why not just use the garbage disposal?"
Employee - "We have one?"
Me - "Yes we always have."
Employee - "Where?"
Me - "..."
Employee - "In the kitchen?"
Me - "In the...  sink."
Employee - "Oh I didn't even look there."

More Garage and Toaster Adventures

I am sitting at my desk, chatting with a co-worker when another walks up to me.
Employee - "I crashed my car."
Me - "Where?"
Employee - "Downstairs."
So we go to the basement and the employee's nice new Ford was jammed up against the basement's reinforcement pillar.
Employee - "Can you help me."
Me - "Sure."
Employee gets in.
Me - "Go forward slow."
Brake lights come on, tail lights come on, reverse lights come on.
Oh shit.

Bumper and front quarter panel are nicely removed with the screeching of metal.
Employee - "That wasn't reverse tee hee."
Me -  ...  "No, no it wasn't."
I move the items now on the ground.
The employee moves forward, then back...then forward, then back, then forward and back again and the sound of metal is echoing all across the street, and boom they are now free of the offending pillar.
Employee - "Thank gawd."
Me - "So call your insurance and tell them."
Employee - "Oh I did, I already called my husband he is on his way to see it."
BAM...
Screech.
Bang.
Toyota pickup with a collapsed right tire limps into the basement.
Employee - "Oh there he is."
He smashed into our outer barricade while texting her.
...Wonderful.
It was snowy that day but no excuses for dumb.


I go back upstairs fill out paperwork and begin working.

New employee - "Uhm...we need you in the kitchen."
Me - "Whats wrong?"
Employee - "Something is wrong with the toaster oven."
I walk in, the front of the toaster over has something clear and nasty baked onto it and its smoking. I unplug it.
Me - "What the fuck is that?"
Employee - "Someone taped a sign to the front that said 'Not to use it' because the settings were off."
Me, now realizing that this horrid stinking mass was clear tape that had nastied on the front of the super hot over. "Why did you use it?"
Employee with a totally straight face and happy as a clam, "I was baking modeling clay."
Me - "In our toaster oven?"
Employee - "Ya I don't have an oven at my apartment."