A Fun Week

Worker 1 "I only eat babyfood when I am on a diet."
Worker 2 "Uhm really? Why?"
Worker 1 "Its natural." rummages through bag to put out the little jar.
Worker 2 "So are apples."
Worker 1 "Oh no they aren't..."

Boss "We need to figure out a way to work less on support of employees and more on outside vendors."
Me "Hire smarter employees."
Boss "Hahahaha. Well we could but lets start with training. Why don't we have a 2 hour training video."
Me "Ok I can make one. On what?"
Boss "Our support software."
Me "Uhm it works only on PC and doesn't work on Macs. Thats why we have all the issues."
Boss "Who decided to buy that?"
Me "The CEO"
Boss "Oh...ok."

Worker 1 "Something fucking reeks in the kitchen"
Worker 2 "Check the fridge."
Worker 1 "No way I think it is coming from there."
Worker 2 "Then don't open the fridge."
Worker 1 "My FOOD is in there."
Worker 2 "What is it?"
Worker 1 "Cheese and brocollii soup"
Me piping in from my desk, "That's what fucking stinks."
Worker 1 "Oh...I think your right. Sorry"


Boss "How was your weekend?"
Me "Ok. Just ate turkey and watched tv."
Boss "Really? I thought you didn't eat meat."
Me "I only eat meat hahahaha. Seriously though, no I have no problem with meat."
Boss "I thought it was you."
Me "Nope"
Boss "Do you eat bacon?"
Me "Yes"
Boss "I love bacon"
Me "Can we start my yearly eval? I am already overtime for the day."
Boss "Oh ya. Sorry. I just like bacon."
Me "About my review..."

Employee "I can't find the stickers for the folders."
Me "Did you check the drawer labeled office supplies."
Employee "No."
Me "Where did you check?"
Employee "..."
Me "..."
Employee "..."
Me "You didn't check anywhere at all did you?"
Employee "You don't need to be an ass about it."

How Many People Does it Take?

To figure out you can't install PC software on the mac?
4.
And around 30 minutes of time.

How many times do they have to be asked if that is the case before replying accurately?
10+

Is Facebook and Redbook the same thing?
No:(

Good day today.

Wonder Where He Went?

I got sick last week and decided to leave early so I emailed all the groups and informed them I was taking a early day off.

My boss emails: "Do we have muffins?"
I email back. "I am not sure. I am home right now though. I can check tomorrow."
He emails back: "Ok that's fine. Thanks get better."

A couple hours later another email alert goes off on my cell phone.
Boss askes, "Do we have coffee?"
I email back. "I...do not know. Probably. I didn't check his morning."

2 hours pass: "Do you have your credit card on you?"

I didn't respond. I KNOW he was going to have me go get him coffee at his favorite place.

The Ugly Chair

My boss called me this weekend:
Boss: "Can we find out if we can replace all the chairs at the office?"
Me: "Sure. I can work with my replacement. And see what they want to do?"
Boss: "Can you handle it?"
Me: "Well I can but I don't have purchase ability now, or even codes for purchases."
Boss: "Oh. Why?"
Me: "I don't do that job anymore. I just do my current one. That's what my replacement is supposed to do."
Boss: "Oh ok...I will call them. Sorry to bother you at home."
Me: "It's fine."

5pm tonight I get home from running.
Voice-message on my home phone: "Hey. I got your card data so you can replace all the chairs at work. I don't like them and I think they are bad. I counted them we need 84. Can you start on that on Tuesday? Thanks. Have a good weekend."

Second message: "Oh also lets keep this sort of hush hush for now. Buy them and replace them on Thanksgiving weekend when people are gone so they can not complain. I don't know if anyone else has an issue with them but me."

I AM NOT EVEN IN THAT DAMN SECTION ANYMORE!
80+ chairs because they don't like the look.
Sigh

Pants are Overrated

Operations story from Jan 2008

One of our conference rooms is incredibly nice. Very decked out with tons of leather items and nice tables and so forth. A full restroom as well where people can come in after working out, biking to work, or so on and change their clothes.

After only one week I notice a strange... darkness on the tan leather couch. It just looks stained. Darker I guess.  I forget about it.
Two weeks later I notice it is worse. Then when I try to get closer to it I realize what... it is. Its an assmark.

So I wait in the morning for people.
I watch who comes in and out and notice one particular person who comes in every morning. I figure I will just ask them not to sit down with wet clothes.
This is what occurred.

Me: "Hey if your using that conference room make sure to always keep your wet clothes off the leather couch if you can."
Employee: "Oh I never sit on the couch with wet clothes."
Me: "Oh ok. I just noticed that it seems wet in the mornings when you bike in."
Employee: "Oh that's not from clothes. I come in 2 hours early and let my clothes dry and watch news."
Me: "Wait... your in them?"
Employee: "No I am hanging them."
Me: "Then... what are you doing?"
Employee: "I just sit down and watch tv."
Me: "With NO CLOTHES ON!?"
Employee: "No, I wear underwear."
Me: "ah..."
Employee: "Usually."
Fuckaarooo

Case of the Missing Workflow Data

Another sections boss called me Wednesday.
Boss: "We can't find the data on workflow for the last two weeks. Can you find it for us?"
Me: "Did you mean to call me? I don't have that data."
Boss: "Ya I heard you worked with us for one day."
Me: "Well. Ya I did one day. But why don't the admins for workflow have that?"
Boss: "Oh I don't know. We just figured if anyone was listening during the meetings it would be you."
Me: "Well... ya but I mean..."  Sigh  "I will look."
I found the data and gave it to them.
Two hours later I get an email from that boss.
"Thank you very much. We needed that today and you came through."

Later that day I get an instant message from my boss.
"Please don't give team 'A' workflow data. It may be wrong."
Me: "They had no data. And asked me to supply it."
Boss: "Why didn't they have it?"
Me: "I am not sure."
Boss: "Oh ok. Do you have ours?"
Me: "Yes, its on the server in the same place."
Boss: "It's on our server?"

For christ sakes these people are in charge...

Things I Overheard Last Week

Worker 1: "The sponges for washing dishes is dirty."
Worker 2: "Wash it out."
Worker 1: "I don't think that will work?"
Worker 2: "Just run water through it and wash it down with soap."
Worker 1: "What about my desk?"
Worker 2: "What about it?"
Worker 1: "It stinks now."
Worker 2: "Why?"
Worker 1: "I washed my desk off with the sponge."

---

Boss to employee
Boss: "Did you finish the project yesterday."
Employee: "Yep its done."
Boss: "Where is it?  I looked on the documents program and all I find is a table of contents."
Employee: "I thought that's what you wanted."
Boss: "No... I wouldn't have given you 3 days to do just a table of contents."
Employee: "Ya, it took me two days to do the table. I will need more if you want me to write the documents."
Boss: "Uhm... its only 12 different pages."
Employee: "It took me almost 4 hours just to pick a font."

I heard the boss as they just turned and walked away.

---

Worker 1: "How many drawers does your 3 drawer file have?"
Worker 2: "..."
Worker 1: "Did you hear me?"
Worker 2: "Yah..."

Bavarian Beefstick

I got a call to help with Building Maintenance duties today to put up blinds in one of our rooms.
I was puzzled by why it was such an emergency that we had to get temp blinds for the room until we could get real ones in the next couple days.

It appears that every Saturday one of our employees comes in, in the afternoon, to work extra hours and after biking in they change on the 4th floor conference room.
On the fourth floor with the lights on...
And they wear biker shorts under their sweats... and nothing else.

When I asked them if they understood that there had not been blinds they said that all they could see was their reflection in the window.
I spent 20 minutes explaining how, their reflection was visible due to the light reflection on the window and that they were showing their manhood to the entire street every night.

I also found out that 3-4 complaints had been lodged about it and they didn't know which company had done it.

Installer Woes

Sigh.
This happened Friday before I went home.

My coworker called and said, "I have been trying to install software X for a couple hours but it just keeps saying, that it doesn't recognize it. Can you help?"
Me - "Sure. What is the exact error?"
Employee - "I don't know, I don't have it up but when I clicked the .exe it keeps giving this unrecognized error."
Me - "Your on a MAC. It should be a .dmg or other kind of file."
Employee - "No it shouldn't! I made sure to use Internet Explorer to download it..."
Me - "The... web browser doesn't matter. Your using Internet Explorer as the browser. Your using the MAC version."
Employee gets pissy - "No I just said I used Internet Explorer to download it."
Me - "I know! But that is the BROWSER. You want the file your are downloading to be the one in the mac format. Go back to the site you downloaded the file from and see if they have a MAC version."
Employee - "That is not true!"  They slam down the phone.
I shrug and move on.

20 minutes later I get an IM from another employee. "Hey... does Bejeweled work on MAC's?"
I IM them back. "Why?"
"Cause so and so is trying to install it to the MAC but it isn't working."

Christ. It wasn't even a damn work program!

Theft Deterrent

Today I was coming into work and a coworker walked in beside me. He started telling me about how people kept stealing his bike but that he had been taking preparations to keep this one from being stolen.

Cut to 5pm tonight. I am walking out with the shift and I wave to the coworker as he turns his bike around and leaps on and pumps his legs a single time to get to the curb.

BOOM! He comes off the curb and the front wheel of his bike crumples like a god damn tin can, he goes flying, his bags go flying and what he had in his bag also went flying.
It was a bicycle pump.

Yep! He let the air out of his tires thinking that would stop thieves. And maybe it did. But he didn't remember to pump them up leapt on that fucker and got 2 feet and that front wheel came off the curb and shredded.

He had obviously thought about it as he had his backpack upzipped but that's as far as he got.

Take down the Walls...All of Them.

April 2009

"Take down this wall here." My boss is pointing at a structural wall. A weight wall that bears the weight of the floor above."
Me- "I am not sure we can do that. It's a weight bearing wall."
Boss- "Well if we can't lets remove the walls from these desks here and here." He points at the cubicles nearby.
Me- "Why?"
Boss- "I don't like that I can't see them when I walk by to say good morning after my jog."
 Me- "Ok but those desks are supported by the cubicle walls. We would need to change out the desks."
Boss- "Ok."
Me- "Ok as in don't do it? Or ok as in do it?"
Boss- "Let's do it. What do you think."
Me- "I think...you can just walk down the other side of the cubicles," I point to the other aisle that splits the cubes only 8 feet away, "down the main aisle and say hello."
Boss looks at the aisle. Looks at the cubicles...then back to the aisle. "Ya that's probably cheaper."
Me- "Ya...and we will still have 4 floors above our heads."

Comments Overheard in the Last Week

Here are just a couple from the last week-

"I have told you many times you can't go to the public restroom in our offices in your bare feet."

---

Employee 1-"I haven't washed my hair in over 3 months. I just put some baby powder in it. Can you tell?"

Employee 2-"Uhm...ya sort of."

---

Employee 1-"Printer isn't printing."

Silence from entire office.

Employee 1-"The PRINTER is not PRINTING."

Silence.

Employee 1-"The PRINTER IS no-"

"Read the fucking note on the side of it!" Employee 2 shouts.

Note states. "Printer isn't printing. No Paper."

---

Boss-"I need you guys to make sure to clean up the work areas after your done eating."

Employee 1 and 2-"Oh ok. But we haven't eaten anything in that area for a couple days."

Boss-"Oh because its taco bell and that's what your eating at your desk right now."

---

"I thought we had a meeting today?" Employee 1 asks.

"No that's why we sent out a reminder email to everyone." Employee 2 says.

"Oh I don't read those." Employee 1 explains.

"How did you know about the meeting in the first place then." Employee 2 asks.

Silence.

Skirting a Clam Chowder Disaster

I come into the office after grabbing some food for my lunchbreak. I open up a cupboard to grab a plate.
A clam chowder can half full is sitting in the cupboard. I stare at it...in amazement. A coworker sees me and says, "Oh that is so and so's and they were going to come back and get it."
Me - "When was that?"
Coworker - "About an hour ago."

Now the smell is already leaking out of the cabinet and I notice that spillage from someone pouring some of the chowder out has leaked down the side onto the cupboard so I toss and go to find the employee.
They are at their desk eating chips.
Me - "Was that your can of clam chowder?"
Employee - "Oh ya. I will eat it on my break."
Me - "That's 2 hours from now. It was sitting in the cupboard."
Employee - "Ya I didn't want to have it get smells from the other foods in the fridge. I didn't want it all right at lunchtime."
Me - "Right but its clam chowder. The stuff stinks, and I am not sure but it is probably best not to let it just sit out in a cupboard."
Employee - "Oh ya I see. Go ahead and toss it."
Me - "First you can get off your ass and do it normally. But this time I already threw it away."
Employee, now angry - "You threw it away?"
Me - "Yes. It's fucking clam chowder sitting out for over an hour."
Employee - "I could have still eaten it..."
Me - "Could is the operative word. Cause its thrown away now. Use the fridge from now on."
Employee, who is now hurt at my tone - "I don't see what the big issue is."
Me - "Seafood left out in a warm environment, in a cupboard with clean plates doesn't strike you as odd?"
Employee - "No I do it at home all the time."
Me - "This is not your home."

Special Delivery

I come in to work and I have an IM that states "We turned in some computers yesterday."
I see no new computers. I spend about 20 minutes looking around.
A sudden and horrible thought occurs to me. I go to our little used secondary office door and peek through the glass. Two laptops in their bags resting against the OUTSIDE of the door. In a public hallway. Ripe for theft.

I IM the person back. "Dude they were just sitting there in the hallway."
Employee - "Ya we knocked on the door."
Me - "Did anyone answer."
Employee - "No that's why we left them in the hallway."
Me - "You know we all get off at five right?"
Employee - "Ya. It was like 5:30. We passed one of your people as they biked home."
Me - "Then... why did you knock?"
Employee - "I just... thought someone might have stuck around."
Me - "But you didn't stick around?"
Employee - "No, I had to go."

Jesus. Its like 3200 bucks worth of stuff laying out to be taken.

I am Error

Bahahahaha.
Here is today's

Employee - "My password doesn't work?"
Me - "Which one?"
Employee:"The one to get into the main site."
Me - "What error do you get?"

Empoyee - "Error?"
Me - "Yes does it say wrong password, or no user exists?"
Employee: - "It doesn't say anything."
Me - "Just loads a white screen?"
Employee - "No I get in and then I can't do anything."
Me - "There has to be an error, or a white page. What do you 'get into' as you put it?"
Employee - "The site. Then I can't do anything."
Me - "Then its working. If you can get in."

Employee - "Oh then why can't I do anything."
Me - "Click the 'continue'" button in the center of the screen."
Employee - "Ok. But its not taking me anywhere. It just loads up a screen with links on the left."
Me - "That's the site."
Employee - "So what do I do?"
Me - "Have you read the training manual and viewed the videos I sent you?"
Employee - "Oh. No not yet."
Me - "That's pretty important as they show you what links to hit."
Employee - "I should probably watch them then."
Me - "Ya. Probably."

Case of the Missing Disks

My phone rings. It's another boss from a different group. "Hey do you have a spare minute."
Me - "Sure."
Boss - "How many installs have we had of X software in the last 2 months?"
Me - "We don't run installs. IT does. We do Tech Support for desktop issues."
Boss - "Can you check?"
Me (puzzled) - "I can try to find out."

It takes me hours to decipher the speak I get back from our IT team. They are an amazing bunch but are such nerds as to be called nerds by hardcore nerds.

I call the boss back. "14 installs of software X."
Boss - "Hmm. Ok my information says 3."
Me - "Where did you find that?"
Boss - "I counted the missing disks."
Me - "We don't install by disk. We install by installing the software from the server."
Boss - "Why?"
Me - "We can install remotely, check installs and keep track of serials to make sure we don't misuse the amount of copies we have."
Boss - "That makes sense. Why are the disks missing?"
Me - "IT has those. I do not know. Have you asked them?"
Boss - "No not yet."
That boss... is the boss for IT ladies and gentlemen. Communication in my office is at an all time high.

Please Hold

We had a major project and a crap ton of calls coming in. So I jump on to help the customer service reps.

I get an IM from a boss. "Hey let's touch base after this next call."
The call lasts 20 minutes. I IM them back, "Sorry you still want to touch base?"
Boss - "No it's fine."

20 calls later I get an email.
"Lets touch base."

I get off the phone and walk into boss's office. "What's up?"
Boss - "We busy today?"
Me - "Ya. The project emails went out."
Boss - "Oh ya."
Me - "So what did you need?"
Boss - "Oh just wondering why we were so busy."
Me - "Ah. Ok then. Well I will get back on calls then."
Boss - "Has the email impacted calls?"
Now I stop here. What the hell kind of drugs is this person taking?
Me - "Yes. More calls."
Boss - "Ok well if you need anyone on phones get them asap."

It gets busier so I put a couple more people on phones per our plan . I have been answering calls for 4 hours and I need to pee.
I come back and the incoming call queue is at 40...40! Up from like 12.
I have an IM from my boss. "Hey I noticed 2 other people were on phones. I pulled them off. I couldn't figure out why they were on. IM me if you need them back on!"

Can You Do It?

Friday of last week.

Phone rings
Me - "Ya"
Boss - "Hey we are moving some staff around today."
Me - "Oh... ok.  My staff?"
Boss - "Oh no. Some people at the other office. So can you set that up and get the plan ready and do the paperwork?"
Me - "Does... my replacement need help?"
Boss - "I didn't ask. I want you to do it."
Me - "Well I can try but I am now doing this job. I don't even have access to some of the tools."
Boss - "clickity click click clickty click"  (He is typing.)
Me - "Hello?"

Boss - "Ya so we are hoping to get those done by Tuesday so lets try to get it started today and see if we need to hire movers. I am emailing HR."  Clickity click, click clickity.
Me - "Ok. I will tell the replacement."
Boss stops typing - "Can you do it?"
Me - "I am... ya ok."
Boss - "K thanks. Also the lights are burned out in the office on the 4th floor."
Me - "... ok"
That is the floor... my replacement sits on.

Office Quickie: Smoke Break

Yesterday I find one of my employees taking a smoke break...but it's not break time.

Me - "Uhm. Was your break late?"
Employee - "No, why?"
Me - "Well we are swamped and the other office is getting calls."
Employee - "Oh, the phones weren't ringing."
Me - "That's because people were ON them!"

Recycled Tupperware

I was asked to recycle kitchen supplies like Tupperware and stuff. So I spent maybe 3 hours picking these bowls, keeping some, sorting others and had a good huge pile.
I took them to the recycling bin.
Female coworker - "What the fuck are you doing?"
Me - "Recycling this Tupperware."
Coworker - "You know how long that stays in the ground right."
I nod my head, "That's why I am putting it in the recycle... so it gets you know... recycled."
Coworker - "No you weren't you were putting it in the trash."
Me - "No... not so much. IF you look here you will see the giant recycle sign on the giant recycle bin."
Coworker - "You were throwing it away."
I show her the recycle bin with tons of items in it.
Coworker - "You just now put those in!"
Me - "The fuck you say. I am not a magician."
Coworker - "I saw you!"
Me - "First no you didn't. Second you are the one who smashed your truck into the giant yellow barrier downstairs with the giant bumper that goes around it. Then seconds later smashed it again into the big RED truck that was beside you. Maybe you shouldn't trust your vision."

I was written up for being insensitive and making anti-blind comments.
My boss tore it up.

A couple hours later a different worker was caught removing all the items and taking them home like homeless cats.
What the fuck?

Band Names

I am also not perfect.

A couple days ago I was pissed so I opened up someone else's save on the PS3 and made the following band names and saved them under his exact name

Pressurized Gasoline Surprise
Eskimo Tickle fantasy
Pearl Necklace Mishap
Hot Cyclops Desire
Bowling Ball Romantic
Flesh Accordion
Man Taster
Slip of the tongue corn surprise

My boss brought in his daughter and her teen kid. And they played... it was funny watching them play as "Man Taster" but my boss was not happy about it.

Here's a Fun One Also Involving Forks

Last week we spent over 4 man hours trying to find out what happened to 12 forks...
Yes.
It was like a scavenger hunt with no fun.
Bet you can't guess where we found them. In our tech office.
Sitting on a computer box.

Here's a fun one also involving forks.

I come back from lunch 2 weeks ago and the entire place stinks... like a race car track. Nasty burning smell.
I of course make my way to the kitchen.
There I find an employee waving a towel at the toaster oven.
They had placed their plastic fork on the toaster oven and cooked something and it had melted.
But that wasn't even the best part.
They wanted to get the bits of melted plastic off. So they cranked the fucking thing to its highest and just turned the plastic to molten blackend stinking jelly.

Short Term Memory

Here is one from today.
Boss - "You need to take off more days. You are maxed on everything."
Me - "Ok but when I take a day off I take 2 days to catch up...I need some help."
Boss - "Well we really don't have anyone."
Me - "I hear you. That's why I haven't yet."
Boss - "That's ok lets discuss next month. Hey I also got an email from another project that needs help. Can you work next weekend too?"
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
Me - "So work 7 days in a row?"
Boss - "Ya that would be great."
Sigh. It's like everyone has short term memory loss.

This morning my co-worker could not find their keys for the office.
We looked everywhere.
Then I remembered who this was. So I walked to the office door and opened it... his keys were in the lock.

The Six Stooges

This is a bit close to my heart and hurts cause its one of my projects.

I need help with a specific project question. No one seems to have an answer. I come into the office where they sit. 6 people.

Me - "How do we do so and so in the database. I am trying to write a procedure."
Coworkers all turn and stare at someone else in the room. Each person to another random person. People begin shaking heads.
Coworkers 1-4 - "I thought so and so knew."
Coworkers 5-6 - "We thought you knew."
This went on for about five minutes.
I facepalm with a bit more sound than I had hoped for.

More infighting.

Me - "Ok does anyone know how to fucking do it. Anyone... at all."
I am met with a bunch of shaking heads.
Me - "So... what have we been doing about the problems in the system."
Coworkers as one - "I thought so and so was entering the problems. Well I thought you were, no you, no you!" Back and forth.
Me - "So no one is reporting it...and no one knows how to fix it. So when we report it what happens?"
Coworker who runs various aspects - "I made an email folder where I save your emails..."
Me - "And they go to whom...?"
Coworker - "I just back them up."

FUCK! 

Office Quickie: Musical Chairs

Coworker - "How many chairs did we have in this room?"
Me - "Four."
Coworker - "There are three now."
Me - "You are sitting in number four."
Silence
A weak smile
Coworker - "Ok that was embarrassing."
Me - "Rightfully so."

And that person is in charge of people... jezuz.

Ordering Magic

A couple days ago while talking to finances.

Me - "Hey, I am going to go get the food and stuff for the party. Did anyone order the items so I can get them?"
Co-worker - "I thought you were buying them."
Me - "Well the email said...and this email was from you...that you were going to."
Coworker - "No it didn't."
Me - "It didn't?"
Coworker - "No."
Me - "Ok... 'I will buy the food' must mean something different than I thought when I read your email."
Coworker - "I guess it did."
Me - "Ok whatever I will go get it."
I go to the store spend about 40 minutes picking out stuff.  I bring it to the lady behind the desk and say to charge it to my company.
Lady - "Oh, we have that. It's under so and so"

Ya, all the items... had been purchased... by that coworker.
When confronted with the items-

Coworker - "I don't know how they got ordered."
Me - "No clue... how they used your name and your personal credit card... copy that."

Speaking German

My boss walks by... "Can you come to my office?"
I go in and sit
Boss - "Hey, I know some of the changes coming up can be hard. If you ever need to talk or are frustrated talk to me. I mean it. At any time."
Me - "Well to be brutally honest I am fucking very frustrated."
Boss - "Well uhm... I really can't talk to you about that... uhmm... or help you."
Me - "I thought you just said..."
Boss - "Ya you should talk to so and so who is handling it."
Me - "I did. It didn't get handled or even explained. So you just said I could talk to you."
Boss shifts uncomfortably in his chair... "Ya uhm...I really can't so why don't we meet in 2 weeks and we can talk about it. Why don't you make a list and give it to me? You know, write it all down and bring me the list."
Me - "I sent you a list a couple days ago... itemized with each point explained."
Boss(And I shit you not) - "Well how about... ya in two weeks give me another list of the stuff and lets talk."
Me - "Whatever. It will be the same list."
Boss - "Ok that is good ok... ok... well ya if you need to talk. You do great."
I leave.

About 30 minutes after that I get an email from the person who was the source of the problem. "So if you need to talk to anyone you can also always go to the boss. We have an open door policy. If you ever think I am not listening or reading something feel free to talk to him..."

My email back, copied from my work email.

Dear so and so. Should I talk to him in German. Because English did not seem to work. Please advise.

I have not received response yet.