Cubicle Theatre

Last one for the day.

My coworker comes to me and says - "You better go look in the A/V room. Somebody is doing something stupid."
I have just got back from working out. I am tired but I figure...hell how bad can it be?
I go to look. Expecting...well who knows.
I open the door to see two of our most pasty skinned employees. Standing on the table...but that's not all, on the rickety table they have a WHEELED chair. And one is standing on that, and the other is trying to hold it as it shakes.
Me - "Jezuz. Come on guys the boss will freak get down."
Employees - grumble grumble
They get down.
Me - "What the hell were you trying to do?"
Employee 1 - "We wanted to watch a movie."
Me - "Just put one in!"
Employee - "At our desk."
Me...looking at the MOUNTED projector - "It's mounted...and its a projector. You can't play it at your desks. You wouldn't be able to see it."
Employee 1 - "...."
Employee 2 - "...."
Something begins to trouble me. Our Janitor has been trying to call me. 3 times...he rarely calls but I did not have the time to call him back.
Me - "If you want to watch a movie do it in here"
Employee 1 - "K!"
Employee 2 - "Ok thanks."
They rushed off a bit faster than I am accustomed to them moving.

I call the janitor.
Seems these two had tried to talk him into turning ALL the lights off on the level so they could watch the movie at their desks. In fact, they had a whole shitload of food and random crap to eat and speakers to plug into the projector and blankets to cover the windows and like little rednecks they had nails and hammers to HAMMER the nails into the walls to hold the blankets.
The strange thing. Their cubicles are basically little boxes, the A/V room is a huge amazing room with a couch, chairs and a bose sound system.
Nerds.
Got to love em.

Return of the Chicken

My Revenge:

So this morning. I walk past the cubicle of the employee bitching about the recycling box not being compost like they thought. They are STILL bitching about me telling them off.

So I promptly went to our garbage, found the bag I put that chicken in last night. Had our receptionist make a awesome looking Greeting Card that said "I was thrown into the recycling by someone who was not intelligent enough to follow directions. Does anyone want to adopt me?"
And put it on the breakroom table.

Ha.
I can here that employee in there right now. Throwing it away.
Good times. 

Later:
My boss just walked by.
Him - "Did you put up that greeting card?"
Me - "Yep"
Him - "Awesome."
He gave me a high five and a 20 dollar gift card to our theaters.
I love that gentle tard.  

Recycled Chicken

I am at lunch.
I see fellow employees.
I sit down and we begin talking.
Not so smart employee #1 - "I noticed that the sink in our office wasn't draining."
Me - "Did you try the disposal?"
Employee - "Ug no I don't use those."
Me - "Why?"
Employee - "Too much energy is used. I just put my stuff in the compost."
Me - "That makes sense...wait, we don't have a compost."
Employee - "It looks like one."
Me - "What looks like one?"
Employee - "That bag behind the shelf. It's always got stuff in it."
Me...thinking hard. "The fucking cardboard recycle bag?"
Employee shrugs - "I don't know I didn't look."
Me - "It's not even in the kitchen!"

I get back to site. Yep. There is food of ALL kinds in the very very clearly identified "CARDBOARD RECYCLING" cubicle.
I call cleaning.
And I then realize that I have had four complaints of a strange smell coming from that area.
That would be the fucking chicken that was under an old packing box.
What a shithat.

Waterpark Adventures

Here goes.

"Boom splash" The sound of something horrible comes from the kitchen at work.
I go in.
Employee #1 stands there covered in water. The new water filter spraying everywhere.
I rush to turn it off.
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "I wanted filtered water so I pushed the button."
Me - "What button?"
Employee - "That one"
She points in the general direction of the filter...or maybe the sink.
I look over and see an indicator for filtered and unfiltered and a switch for both. No button. Then I look behind it, on the opposite side, hidden, unlike the FILTERED and UNFILTERED switch, is a small button.
The hidden button reads "Eject Filter"
Me -"This one?" I point.
Employee - "Ya that one."
Me - "These two say filtered and unfiltered its a switch."
Employee - "I didn't think to read them."
I walk away.

Hours go by.
Phone rings.
Me - "How can I help you?"
Employee #2 - "The power is off in my cubicle"
Me - "Ok I will be right there."
I hear coworkers chuckling as they have come to expect weirdness.
I go to the employee's desk. Everything is off, lights, goldfish bowl, computer. Digital phone works but they get there power from the outlets we use.
Me - "What happened"
Her - "I don't know I was just working on a document and everything shut off."
Me - "Ok let me look"

Now a bit of history, just 2 weeks ago this same employee decided to go barefoot for the day at her desk and shut off the power strip with her big toe. That caused me 15 minutes of my life.
So I figure...maybe that. So I go under the desk.
And place my hand firmly in a 1/4 inch of water.
Me - "What the jebus!"
Employee "What?"
Me - "There is water down here. It's all over"
I see a puddle of about 3-4 feet. A wet spot on the carpet. I unplug the power strip which leaks water out of the fucking plug-ins itself and get the hell out of the water.
I stand up. My eyes roll to the fish tank.
"Fuck" I whisper.
Employee - "What?"
Me - "Nothing....so does your fish tank leak?"
Employee - "Nope. Well it is hot so the water has been evaporating faster than normal. It's low sometimes."
Me - "Do you pour water into it?"
Employee - "Ya I did today."
Me - "Just once?"
Employee - ...  "It's been hot."
Me - "So more than once?"
Employee - ... "Ya like four or five times."
Good fucking god!
It's a wonder she didn't blow the entire wall outlet.
I replace the outlet, call some people to clean it.

I come back.
"The fish tank is leaking. You should probably replace it. But no matter what you need to fix it."
I shit you not less than two hours later she was using the fucking coffee maker's coffee pot. Three little nasty goldfish. Now we have a couple extra ones of these so...I guess its not like we will be using it tomorrow but still. What a dicktard.
I tell the boss.
He says "... Again."
I walk out.