Three months ago.
Inside the grocery store at the checkout line. My best friend says, "What would be the worst thing you can imagine?"
Me, I think for a second then - "I think losing my arms. No video games, no spanking my wife's ass, no airsoft, I wouldn't be able to do shit. Might as well just kill myself." All in jest.
I turn around. Yep, a man with not only 1 missing arm, but both. Just the nubs. Staring at me.
He stares.
I stare.
I mumble sorry and try to walk away, I just wanted to escape.
And crash headfirst into an old lady who is unpacking her items onto the fucking register belt.
And I knock her down. And not a small amount. She splays out hands in front of her, shit rolling everywhere, crackers, chips, cookies, cans of soup, everything goes flying as she attempts to hold onto the belt and ends up just swiping everything off.
It was horrible. Nothing usually embarrasses me but man, it gives me a sick stomach just thinking about it.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Can You Hear Me Now?
I get an IM from someone.
Me - "I am busy let me get back to you."
Coworker - "k"
30 seconds later an email from same person - "Hey do you have a second?"
Me - "Give me a bit. I will get back to you."
Email comes back - "k"
No shit. One minute later my phone rings. Her number comes up. Well maybe its important than.
Me - "What's up?"
Employee - "Do you have a sec?"
Me - "Sorry I thought you might have seen the IM or email. I am swamped can I get back to you?"
Employee - "Sure"
Less than 3 minutes later an IM comes in. "Hey don't worry I took care of it."
I called them an hour later to ask what they needed.
Employee - "I wanted to know if my IM was coming through...?"
Me - "Didn't you... get my IM saying I was busy... and then answer it yourself."
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "So...?"
Employee - "Was it working?"
I hang up.
I am not sure what the FING F the person was trying to do but damn. Just damn.
How is that possible.
It ranks right up there with the employee asking me where the tinfoil was in the kitchen. When I showed them the drawer labeled TINFOIL they said. "Oh I meant plastic wrap."
I showed them the drawer labeled plastic wrap.
They said. "Oh I didn't know those labels were accurate."
Me - "Just open it and check."
Employee - "I didn't want to bother anyone."
Bother anyone... what? Its like translating Russian to sign language through someone who only knows Japanese.
My boss recently handed out bonus's and his exact words to me were. "I know its hard working in a funny farm but we appreciate it."
He has no idea.
Me - "I am busy let me get back to you."
Coworker - "k"
30 seconds later an email from same person - "Hey do you have a second?"
Me - "Give me a bit. I will get back to you."
Email comes back - "k"
No shit. One minute later my phone rings. Her number comes up. Well maybe its important than.
Me - "What's up?"
Employee - "Do you have a sec?"
Me - "Sorry I thought you might have seen the IM or email. I am swamped can I get back to you?"
Employee - "Sure"
Less than 3 minutes later an IM comes in. "Hey don't worry I took care of it."
I called them an hour later to ask what they needed.
Employee - "I wanted to know if my IM was coming through...?"
Me - "Didn't you... get my IM saying I was busy... and then answer it yourself."
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "So...?"
Employee - "Was it working?"
I hang up.
I am not sure what the FING F the person was trying to do but damn. Just damn.
How is that possible.
It ranks right up there with the employee asking me where the tinfoil was in the kitchen. When I showed them the drawer labeled TINFOIL they said. "Oh I meant plastic wrap."
I showed them the drawer labeled plastic wrap.
They said. "Oh I didn't know those labels were accurate."
Me - "Just open it and check."
Employee - "I didn't want to bother anyone."
Bother anyone... what? Its like translating Russian to sign language through someone who only knows Japanese.
My boss recently handed out bonus's and his exact words to me were. "I know its hard working in a funny farm but we appreciate it."
He has no idea.
Pumpkin Delight
I get an email from a coworker - "How old is the pumpkin pie in the fridge?"
Me - "Old like from Halloween. It should be thrown away."
Instant message from same person. - "Really?"
Me - "Ya its probably nasty."
Two hours pass.
I find a coworker, "Hey were is so and so? I haven't seen them?"
Coworker - "They went home sick."
Me - "..."
I go to the fridge. I find a moldy pumpkin pie with huge chunks out of one side.
I call my coworkers cell. - "Did you eat some of that pie?"
Coworker - "Ya but I scraped the mold off first."
Me - "That's probably why you are sick."
Coworker - "No... its probably something else."
Jezuz. So nasty. And I think the person who made it used eggs for the topping.
Me - "Old like from Halloween. It should be thrown away."
Instant message from same person. - "Really?"
Me - "Ya its probably nasty."
Two hours pass.
I find a coworker, "Hey were is so and so? I haven't seen them?"
Coworker - "They went home sick."
Me - "..."
I go to the fridge. I find a moldy pumpkin pie with huge chunks out of one side.
I call my coworkers cell. - "Did you eat some of that pie?"
Coworker - "Ya but I scraped the mold off first."
Me - "That's probably why you are sick."
Coworker - "No... its probably something else."
Jezuz. So nasty. And I think the person who made it used eggs for the topping.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Office Quickie: Wet Paint
An employee walks by me and I notice their green shirt has white paint all over one side, like they leaned against a painted wall.
I run to our new rooms construction and sure enough the wet paint has a huge imprint of someone having leaned against it. I look and the wet paint sign is still there nearby.
I catch up to the employee. "Dude your covered in paint."
Employee - "Oh shit." He looks at his shoulder, "Damn!"
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "Oh I was talking for awhile and wanted to rest so I moved some piece of paper and leaned against the wall."
He had moved the wet paint sign.
I run to our new rooms construction and sure enough the wet paint has a huge imprint of someone having leaned against it. I look and the wet paint sign is still there nearby.
I catch up to the employee. "Dude your covered in paint."
Employee - "Oh shit." He looks at his shoulder, "Damn!"
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "Oh I was talking for awhile and wanted to rest so I moved some piece of paper and leaned against the wall."
He had moved the wet paint sign.
Office Quickie: Speaking Spanish
Last week we got a delivery that wasn't ours. And it was from some strange company.
When I call them its all in Spanish. It's an international call of some kind and we spend over 30 minutes trying to understand one another. I know the word burrito, and she knows the word Sir.
It continues for another 10 minutes before I finally hang up in frustration after asking to talk to someone who spoke English for the 20th time.
I lean back in my chair.
My co-worker looks at me and says, "Hey, I speak Spanish did you need something?"
Jezuz.
When I call them its all in Spanish. It's an international call of some kind and we spend over 30 minutes trying to understand one another. I know the word burrito, and she knows the word Sir.
It continues for another 10 minutes before I finally hang up in frustration after asking to talk to someone who spoke English for the 20th time.
I lean back in my chair.
My co-worker looks at me and says, "Hey, I speak Spanish did you need something?"
Jezuz.
General Boss
End of day
The boss asks me to come to his office.
Boss - "I hear you are cussing a lot."
Me - "Fuck ya."
Boss - "You ok?"
Me - "Ya, well no. We have an employee washing themselves in our basin sink with our towels and leaving them under her desk, we have people taking entire boxes of candy around wherever they want leaving nothing for anyone else, and the damn Christmas stuff took me 2 hours to put up and then you told me to take them down again. So ya, it sort of sucks today."
Boss - "I understand, it can be hard here. Did you get a chance to work on that report."
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
This must have continued for thirty seconds.
Finally he nods. "You've been busy."
Me - "Ya."
Boss - "Well good job keep it up."
Me - "Ya well sorry about the cussing."
Boss - "What...? Oh now that's fine. I just heard you talking to someone."
Me - "Ya it was about the cookies."
Boss - "What the fuck happened this time? Jesus these people will never learn."
I stand there staring...
Slowly it dawns on him what he just said. He gives me a short salute and says, "Carry on." And turns to his computer.
I think I am working with some kind of crazy ex military leader.
The boss asks me to come to his office.
Boss - "I hear you are cussing a lot."
Me - "Fuck ya."
Boss - "You ok?"
Me - "Ya, well no. We have an employee washing themselves in our basin sink with our towels and leaving them under her desk, we have people taking entire boxes of candy around wherever they want leaving nothing for anyone else, and the damn Christmas stuff took me 2 hours to put up and then you told me to take them down again. So ya, it sort of sucks today."
Boss - "I understand, it can be hard here. Did you get a chance to work on that report."
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
This must have continued for thirty seconds.
Finally he nods. "You've been busy."
Me - "Ya."
Boss - "Well good job keep it up."
Me - "Ya well sorry about the cussing."
Boss - "What...? Oh now that's fine. I just heard you talking to someone."
Me - "Ya it was about the cookies."
Boss - "What the fuck happened this time? Jesus these people will never learn."
I stand there staring...
Slowly it dawns on him what he just said. He gives me a short salute and says, "Carry on." And turns to his computer.
I think I am working with some kind of crazy ex military leader.
Bathing at Work
Yesterday I show up to work and one of the people pulls me to the side to talk to me.
Employee - "'Blank' employee smells."
Me - "Uhm... have you talked to their manager?"
Employee - "No I don't feel comfortable."
Me - "Ok. Uhm, what do you want me to do?"
Employee - "Can you talk to them. And maybe buy some products and maybe we can build a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "The hell? Build a shower? What do you mean?"
Employee - "Last place I worked they had a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "You mean like... a locker room or changing room for bikes and stuff."
Employee - "Ya like that."
Me - "No way. Maybe we will put something out in the next office article about perfume, body odor that kind of thing."
Employee - "Ok that would be great cause right now they are using the downstairs construction bathroom large basin sink to take baths with rags."
Me - "Are you kidding?"
Employee - "No."
So I walk to the offending employees desk and it does indeed smell. But I can't figure out why. That person is not there. What smells.
I look under the desk. A pile of very neatly folded washcloths are stuck under the 3 drawer cabinet...
I sit and think. No, that's impossible, no one would leave their dirty washcloths under their own desk right?
Right?
The person comes in about 2 hours later. I walk up to them.
Me - "So I noticed that thrtr were some rags under your desk. We want to make sure those arn't there so the janitor doesn't suck them into his vacuum or throw your stuff away."
The employee looks me dead in the eye. "Oh I left them there hoping he would throw them away. They have been there for like 2 weeks."
Me - "Throw those damn things away right now."
Employee - "I don't want to touch them."
I leave and come back with two plastic sandwich bags. "Here put your fucking hands in these and pick them up."
Nasty.
I found out today. They were OUR dishrags for drying dishes off in the kitchen.
Just gross.
Employee - "'Blank' employee smells."
Me - "Uhm... have you talked to their manager?"
Employee - "No I don't feel comfortable."
Me - "Ok. Uhm, what do you want me to do?"
Employee - "Can you talk to them. And maybe buy some products and maybe we can build a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "The hell? Build a shower? What do you mean?"
Employee - "Last place I worked they had a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "You mean like... a locker room or changing room for bikes and stuff."
Employee - "Ya like that."
Me - "No way. Maybe we will put something out in the next office article about perfume, body odor that kind of thing."
Employee - "Ok that would be great cause right now they are using the downstairs construction bathroom large basin sink to take baths with rags."
Me - "Are you kidding?"
Employee - "No."
So I walk to the offending employees desk and it does indeed smell. But I can't figure out why. That person is not there. What smells.
I look under the desk. A pile of very neatly folded washcloths are stuck under the 3 drawer cabinet...
I sit and think. No, that's impossible, no one would leave their dirty washcloths under their own desk right?
Right?
The person comes in about 2 hours later. I walk up to them.
Me - "So I noticed that thrtr were some rags under your desk. We want to make sure those arn't there so the janitor doesn't suck them into his vacuum or throw your stuff away."
The employee looks me dead in the eye. "Oh I left them there hoping he would throw them away. They have been there for like 2 weeks."
Me - "Throw those damn things away right now."
Employee - "I don't want to touch them."
I leave and come back with two plastic sandwich bags. "Here put your fucking hands in these and pick them up."
Nasty.
I found out today. They were OUR dishrags for drying dishes off in the kitchen.
Just gross.
Chrismas Cheer
I come into work. My boss is already there.
In my head I am thinking "FUCK". All the supplies I bought last year wont work.
I gather the stuff, put together a plan, and get ready to put them out.
He walks by and stops. "Where's the Santa?" He is looking at the box of supplies.
Me - "Well Santa is sort of tied to Christmas."
Boss - "Ya. Lets get a couple stencils and things with Santa on it. Hang them from the main desk."
Me - "But still nothing with holidays or Christmas on it right?"
Boss gives me the weirdest look - "What? Oh ya. Ok whatever you think is right."
I walk off puzzled. Did he have a fucking stroke?
Two hours pass and the decorations are up. I am already behind for the day.
I ask him to take a glance at what we have up to see if he is happy.
He comes back and he is all frowny and unhappy.
Me - "What?"
Boss - "The decorations are already up?"
Me - "Ya. I thought you wanted them up. I thought you said lets get started. Then when I showed them to you..."
He has begun tapping his finger against his chin.
Me - "What?"
Boss - "I am thinking we should do some kind of policy where you can celebrate anything during this time. Whatever you want. Open it up to every religion and everything."
I am now ready to strangle him because he wants a report from me, that I would be doing right now if I wasn't fucking stapling lights to people's foreheads.
Me - "Sounds good. I will buy some more stuff and have people put it out."
Boss - "Don't we have that kind of stuff here?"
Me - "Like for other holidays at this time?"
Boss - "Ya lets ask everyone what they want. Go ahead and take all the stuff down and we will redistribute it later."
Me - .... "That's allot of shit man."
Boss has already walked off.
Case of the Missing Snacks
I hear a childish voice pipe up from the kitchen - "Ah no candy. That sucks."
I am puzzled as I had put more snacks out an hour ago. Some pretty popular snacks just like I had placed the day before.
I go to check. Sure enough the entire package is gone.
But I have a sinking suspicion this time. I check the trash. No wrapper.
I am on a mission.
I find one of the conference rooms. I walk in and the video game console is turned on. No one is in the room and the furniture is moved around.
I find the trash can and open it. Empty box of cookies.
Tech walks in.
Tech - "Hey."
Me - "Did you take the entire fucking box of cookies?"
Tech - "Ya they had been there all day yesterday and all day today so I took them."
Me - "No they are popular. People ate two boxes."
Tech - "Oh that makes sense. One time I noticed that it was emptier but when I came back there were more. I just thought someone put their cookies back."
Me - "..."
Tech - "..."
Me - "..."
Tech - ... "Do you have any more?"
Me - "No you ate the last ones."
Tech - "Tell me when you have more they are damn good."
I am puzzled as I had put more snacks out an hour ago. Some pretty popular snacks just like I had placed the day before.
I go to check. Sure enough the entire package is gone.
But I have a sinking suspicion this time. I check the trash. No wrapper.
I am on a mission.
I find one of the conference rooms. I walk in and the video game console is turned on. No one is in the room and the furniture is moved around.
I find the trash can and open it. Empty box of cookies.
Tech walks in.
Tech - "Hey."
Me - "Did you take the entire fucking box of cookies?"
Tech - "Ya they had been there all day yesterday and all day today so I took them."
Me - "No they are popular. People ate two boxes."
Tech - "Oh that makes sense. One time I noticed that it was emptier but when I came back there were more. I just thought someone put their cookies back."
Me - "..."
Tech - "..."
Me - "..."
Tech - ... "Do you have any more?"
Me - "No you ate the last ones."
Tech - "Tell me when you have more they are damn good."
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