Recycled Tupperware

I was asked to recycle kitchen supplies like Tupperware and stuff. So I spent maybe 3 hours picking these bowls, keeping some, sorting others and had a good huge pile.
I took them to the recycling bin.
Female coworker - "What the fuck are you doing?"
Me - "Recycling this Tupperware."
Coworker - "You know how long that stays in the ground right."
I nod my head, "That's why I am putting it in the recycle... so it gets you know... recycled."
Coworker - "No you weren't you were putting it in the trash."
Me - "No... not so much. IF you look here you will see the giant recycle sign on the giant recycle bin."
Coworker - "You were throwing it away."
I show her the recycle bin with tons of items in it.
Coworker - "You just now put those in!"
Me - "The fuck you say. I am not a magician."
Coworker - "I saw you!"
Me - "First no you didn't. Second you are the one who smashed your truck into the giant yellow barrier downstairs with the giant bumper that goes around it. Then seconds later smashed it again into the big RED truck that was beside you. Maybe you shouldn't trust your vision."

I was written up for being insensitive and making anti-blind comments.
My boss tore it up.

A couple hours later a different worker was caught removing all the items and taking them home like homeless cats.
What the fuck?

Band Names

I am also not perfect.

A couple days ago I was pissed so I opened up someone else's save on the PS3 and made the following band names and saved them under his exact name

Pressurized Gasoline Surprise
Eskimo Tickle fantasy
Pearl Necklace Mishap
Hot Cyclops Desire
Bowling Ball Romantic
Flesh Accordion
Man Taster
Slip of the tongue corn surprise

My boss brought in his daughter and her teen kid. And they played... it was funny watching them play as "Man Taster" but my boss was not happy about it.

Here's a Fun One Also Involving Forks

Last week we spent over 4 man hours trying to find out what happened to 12 forks...
Yes.
It was like a scavenger hunt with no fun.
Bet you can't guess where we found them. In our tech office.
Sitting on a computer box.

Here's a fun one also involving forks.

I come back from lunch 2 weeks ago and the entire place stinks... like a race car track. Nasty burning smell.
I of course make my way to the kitchen.
There I find an employee waving a towel at the toaster oven.
They had placed their plastic fork on the toaster oven and cooked something and it had melted.
But that wasn't even the best part.
They wanted to get the bits of melted plastic off. So they cranked the fucking thing to its highest and just turned the plastic to molten blackend stinking jelly.

Short Term Memory

Here is one from today.
Boss - "You need to take off more days. You are maxed on everything."
Me - "Ok but when I take a day off I take 2 days to catch up...I need some help."
Boss - "Well we really don't have anyone."
Me - "I hear you. That's why I haven't yet."
Boss - "That's ok lets discuss next month. Hey I also got an email from another project that needs help. Can you work next weekend too?"
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
Me - "So work 7 days in a row?"
Boss - "Ya that would be great."
Sigh. It's like everyone has short term memory loss.

This morning my co-worker could not find their keys for the office.
We looked everywhere.
Then I remembered who this was. So I walked to the office door and opened it... his keys were in the lock.

The Six Stooges

This is a bit close to my heart and hurts cause its one of my projects.

I need help with a specific project question. No one seems to have an answer. I come into the office where they sit. 6 people.

Me - "How do we do so and so in the database. I am trying to write a procedure."
Coworkers all turn and stare at someone else in the room. Each person to another random person. People begin shaking heads.
Coworkers 1-4 - "I thought so and so knew."
Coworkers 5-6 - "We thought you knew."
This went on for about five minutes.
I facepalm with a bit more sound than I had hoped for.

More infighting.

Me - "Ok does anyone know how to fucking do it. Anyone... at all."
I am met with a bunch of shaking heads.
Me - "So... what have we been doing about the problems in the system."
Coworkers as one - "I thought so and so was entering the problems. Well I thought you were, no you, no you!" Back and forth.
Me - "So no one is reporting it...and no one knows how to fix it. So when we report it what happens?"
Coworker who runs various aspects - "I made an email folder where I save your emails..."
Me - "And they go to whom...?"
Coworker - "I just back them up."

FUCK! 

Office Quickie: Musical Chairs

Coworker - "How many chairs did we have in this room?"
Me - "Four."
Coworker - "There are three now."
Me - "You are sitting in number four."
Silence
A weak smile
Coworker - "Ok that was embarrassing."
Me - "Rightfully so."

And that person is in charge of people... jezuz.

Ordering Magic

A couple days ago while talking to finances.

Me - "Hey, I am going to go get the food and stuff for the party. Did anyone order the items so I can get them?"
Co-worker - "I thought you were buying them."
Me - "Well the email said...and this email was from you...that you were going to."
Coworker - "No it didn't."
Me - "It didn't?"
Coworker - "No."
Me - "Ok... 'I will buy the food' must mean something different than I thought when I read your email."
Coworker - "I guess it did."
Me - "Ok whatever I will go get it."
I go to the store spend about 40 minutes picking out stuff.  I bring it to the lady behind the desk and say to charge it to my company.
Lady - "Oh, we have that. It's under so and so"

Ya, all the items... had been purchased... by that coworker.
When confronted with the items-

Coworker - "I don't know how they got ordered."
Me - "No clue... how they used your name and your personal credit card... copy that."

Speaking German

My boss walks by... "Can you come to my office?"
I go in and sit
Boss - "Hey, I know some of the changes coming up can be hard. If you ever need to talk or are frustrated talk to me. I mean it. At any time."
Me - "Well to be brutally honest I am fucking very frustrated."
Boss - "Well uhm... I really can't talk to you about that... uhmm... or help you."
Me - "I thought you just said..."
Boss - "Ya you should talk to so and so who is handling it."
Me - "I did. It didn't get handled or even explained. So you just said I could talk to you."
Boss shifts uncomfortably in his chair... "Ya uhm...I really can't so why don't we meet in 2 weeks and we can talk about it. Why don't you make a list and give it to me? You know, write it all down and bring me the list."
Me - "I sent you a list a couple days ago... itemized with each point explained."
Boss(And I shit you not) - "Well how about... ya in two weeks give me another list of the stuff and lets talk."
Me - "Whatever. It will be the same list."
Boss - "Ok that is good ok... ok... well ya if you need to talk. You do great."
I leave.

About 30 minutes after that I get an email from the person who was the source of the problem. "So if you need to talk to anyone you can also always go to the boss. We have an open door policy. If you ever think I am not listening or reading something feel free to talk to him..."

My email back, copied from my work email.

Dear so and so. Should I talk to him in German. Because English did not seem to work. Please advise.

I have not received response yet.