Hot Pockets

...we had another food disaster.

Caller-"I just want to tell you, the toaster oven lit on fire."
Me. I am thinking shit this is easy stuff-"Sparks fire or like your food got on the burner?"
Caller-"Flames"
Me-"What were you cooking?"
Caller-"A hot pocket."
Me-....fuck I already know what happened.
I go downstairs and they have a neatly cooked hotpocket with the gawd damn microwaveable cardboard sock still on it.
Me-"The microwave sock was still on it."
Employee-"Ya I figured that was the problem after the first one.... So I-"
Me-"The first what?"
Employee-"The first of the hotpockets. I cooked 2."
Me-"Where is the first one...?"
Employee-"I ate it."
Me-"That metallic coat and cardboard can't be good for you. I don't think that was a good idea."
Employee."I washed it off first..."

So it Begins

 Soooo.
Everything is nice and quiet.

Then I get the first call.
"Can you come down to the parking lot?"
I go down there. One worker is on the ground his lower body half under a car. I think he is dead.
Employee who contacted me. "He fell under the car"
Me-"You mean slipped. The car wasn't moving right?" I look down, stuck employee is fine. Now the area is pretty much encased in ice right now as it was deep in winter at the time and the snow melted into the basement and then froze during the night.
Employee under car-"No I was running and I thought I would try to slid under it"
...I shit you not. The car is a chevy blazer but its fucking got normal tires and isn't raised and this dude, who is not small, caught his giant parka-like jacket on SOMETHING. That takes an hour to get fixed.

Second call.
Caller-"We just found out that the fridge over here was off all night."
Me-"Have you checked to see if it is plugged in?"
Sounds.
Employee-"Ya its plugged in next to some other stuff."
Me-"How much other stuff?"
Employee-"The coffee machine, the fridge, the toaster oven, the normal toaster, the blender, the microwave, the water bottle chiller and the microwave."
Me-"Wait you just said microwave twice. Do you have two?"
Employee-"We have three. Sometimes when we are all trying to eat lunch its busy so two people brought them from home."
FUCK.
Me-"Is anything else wrong."
Employee-"Ya it looks like we have a bulb or two out."
Me-"No...that's a blown fuse from plugging in 3 microwaves and that other stuff all at the same time."
Employee-"But there were open outlets..."

Water Bottle Toss

Well today is a fine day.

Voicemail - "Hey we uhm spilled a bit of water over here at the satallite site. Can you come over?"
I call them instead of driving over to the other office. 
Me - "Can you just clean it?"
Employee - "It's way too much."
Me - "How much?"
Employee - "About 20 gallons."
Me - "Jesus...I will send someone over."
Employee - "Oh ya and it got on one of the computers."
Me - "How bad?"
Employee - "Water is behind the LCD."
Me - ... "Ok I will... figure something out."
Employee - "Ok thanks sorry."
Me - "That's fine it happens."

So I go over there and look. The water bottle is like...30 yards from the computer with water on it.
What the hell were they doing...caber tossing?

Picking Up the Pieces

Awesome.
Same damn person just called

Caller - "I dropped a ton of food on the floor? What do I do?"
Me - "Clean it up."
Caller - "How?"
Me - "What do you mean how? Come on? Get the vacuum and vacuum it up from the carpet, and clean the rest as you would anything."
Caller - "Where's the vacuum?"
(Just an FYI this is the same person who had trouble finding the vacuum last time in the 3x5 closet.)
Me - "In the closet."
Caller - "Which one?"
Hahahahah what the fuck do you say to that? I mean really...what do you say?
So I just said what I was thinking. "The same damn one its been in since you started work here 2 years ago."
Caller - "Oh, ok, thanks I forgot."

*Shakes head*...astounding...astounding. My coworkers, the 2 really intelligent ones, are laughing so hard right at this second that they have had to pause their phones.
I mean this shit is real.
I also have a voicemail from 8:00 this morning that says "I have a problem-" And then the person hung up.
I still haven't gone to talk to them yet.

Perfect Sunlight

So another employee here needs to have everything perfect at their desk.
I don't mean a foot stool or something easy.
I mean;
Ergonomic Mouse
Ergo Keyboard
Ergo Chair
Ergo Mousepad
Ergo Footstool
Ergo Keyboard rest
Ergo neck cushion on chair
Ergo space
Its like fucking Stephen Hawkins or something in there. If this fucker gets any more stuff they will probably not even have to talk but just look at the screen and pick out words. Or build a space shuttle.

So they come to my desk this morning.
Employee - "Can I get a shade for my desk."
... they don't sit by a window...
Me - "You don't sit by a window."
Employee - "The sun reflects off so and so's cubicle wall."  - They are fucking fabric cubicle walls...
Me - "Let me go look."
Employee - "There is no reflection because its early morning.  My fault."
Me - "Well let me come back later and see what we can see ok."
Employee - "I was also wondering if I could get a little sun lamp/light for my desk?"
...
So they want a shade and a lamp...one to block out the sun...one to bring it...
Me - "But I thought you didn't want the sunlight in here."
Employee - "Oh not the real light but those lamps are fake light..."

The Urgent Report

I am at my desk.
My boss stops by.
Can you come see me?
Me - "Sure"

We sit down and he begins to explain that he has the need to have me do some amazingly time sensitive shit. Shit that even 3 people...probably could not do on a timeline that is basically...well unrealistic.. So I sit there thinking. Totally honest with myself.
I could probably do what he wants. If I literally don't take a piss. Don't MOVE from my spot. And its basically 3 projects, 1 for each of my jobs all connected by a single vague need.
Me - "Yes I can do it...barely"
He thanks me.
And I begin.

Hours pass.
Working continues. Employees get hurt, walk around aimlessly while I toil.
One comes to my desk.
Employee - "It's cold at my desk."
Me - "Your desk is just one of the bad spots. We know about it and right now the boss says just wear layers until a company can come in and do something"
Employee - "Can I have a space heater?"
Me - "No we will fix it. Again wear layers like a jacket or something. It's not that cold its about 1-2 degrees colder. We verified it with a gauge."
Employee-"Ok no prob"
Me back to work.

About an hour away from completion my boss pulls me aside.
Boss - "Did you say so and so can have a space heater?"
Me - "No I said she couldn't."
Boss - "She does."
Me - "Ok."
Boss - "Can you figure it out?"
Me - "Right after I finish the projects you gave me."
Boss "ok"
I go back to work.

Boss walks by 3 or 4 times and goes away.
Then he is back again, pacing.
Me - "Did the timeline change for this?"  Thinking he needed the work done.
Boss - "Huh? Oh no. Have you talked to so and so about the space heater."
Me - "Do you want me to right now?"
Boss - "Ya"
I go to employee.
Me - "I said no space heaters."
Employee - "I found one"
Me - "Did you notice that it is colder EVERYWHERE else now. Your space heater is making it so the AC is on for everyone else. Put it away."
Employee - "I thought you said I could have one."
Now...I hate liars. I hate them with a passion I can barely control. I don't ever do it and its caused me no end of problems but that is just the way I am. Even worse though, is my hate for people who put words in my mouth/strawman me or try to say something occurred but it did not.
Me - "At no time did I hint, say, or even suggest that the possibility existed for you to even think about having a space heater."
Employee - "I guess I misunderstood."
Me - "That is not possible. My answer was no, very clearly. Remove it now."
Back to work.

I am done. Finally.
I bring the information/drawings/metrics and so forth to my boss's desk.
He is not there. He is gone for the day. Secretary said he went home.
FUCK THIS. I worked hard on this.
I call his cell. "I have that information where do you want it."
Boss - "What information?"
Me - "The report."
Boss - "Oh leave it on my desk or bring it in tomorrow."
Me - "Did you still need it in a hurry."
Boss - "No its fine."
I decide. Its time to go home I have had enough. Long day and I don't want to get shitty with anyone.
I go home.

Boss emails me less than 2 hours later. "Hey where is that information?"
Me - "Its with me. You said leave it on your desk or bring it in tomorrow. I have it with me to perfect."
Boss - "I have a meeting in like 15 minutes. Can you get it here."
Me - sigh "Sure."
I bring it in.
And I shit you not. I get there and he is not there AGAIN.
I ask the Secretary and she says he never came in.
I call him back.
me - "Where are you?"
Boss - "At home?"
Me -   ...  "Did you want me to bring the papers there?"
Boss -  Silence... "You...don't know where I live do you?"
Me - "Of course not."
Boss begins laughing. "I am so sorry I didn't even think about it. Um, just don't worry about it."
Me - "I am going home. When I go home I will not leave again. I will have the papers with me. Do we agree that is what should occur."
Boss - "Ya sorry."

I come in today and he gives me my bonus. 3 times what it would be for the year.
I almost socked him in the face 

Partial Credit

We have a project where there are 2 parts. People can do one or the other or both but NEITHER is required for the completion of the other. Just do them as you wish...this is the same as it has been for 2 years.

CSR - "So someone is calling and asking something."
Me - "Ya?"
CSR - "The people are refusing to do part 2 but want credit for part 1."
Me - "Ok"
CSR - "But they want credit."
Me - "They don't have to do 1 to do 2. They can do either. 2 and not 1, 1 and not 2 or both"
CSR - "But this person wants credit for doing 1 without doing 2"
me - "..."  (In my mind - "You have got to be kidding. This person has been here 2 damn years...come on!")
CSR - "So the 2 are not connected."
Me - "No nor have they been for the two years we have been doing it. That's what unconnected means. Thats what credit for both or either means."
CSR - Walks off in a huff. Picks up phone. Explains.
I hear them say "Ya its news to me too."
My gawd. Two years and I have heard this person say the right thing like 600 times.
No office stupidity bothers me as much as that shit. I hate it.

Not only that, it states in the online documentation the employees use-
"You do not have to complete either project to do the other. You can do part 1 or part 2 or part 2 and not 1 or both and you will get credit for whatever you have done."

The Missing Vacuum

I come in to work.
People are freaking out. There are 4-5 people in the hallway staring into a closet.
My balls shrink up...this doesn't look good.
I come around. They are talking excitedly.
Me - "Whats wrong?"
Employee 1 - "We can't find the vacuum cleaner and we dropped some coffee grounds."
Mind you the fucking closet is only 3 feet deep and maybe that wide. If its not there for 1 person...good chance 5 won't find it.

I see no vacuum...in the closet. But guess what? A vacuum sits not 5 feet away, yellow as a giant lemon, leaning against the far wall.
Me - "Is that the one you guys are looking for?"   Pointing.
Employee 1 -  ..."Oh ya I moved it yesterday thanks."  Trudges off.
Employee 2 - "Man you must get tired of us huh?"
Me - "Nope its my job. No problems."
Employee 2 - "I appreciate the stuff you do."
Me - "Thanks I -"
Employee 1 - "Hey I think we need another bag for the vacuum."
I look to see that the vacuum labeled with big red letters BAGLESS has spilled its contents on the floor because employee 1 has grabbed it like a child and picked it up...not by the handle.
I had forgotten employee 1 has a small germ thing.   I walk out.

Employee 2 says to employee 1 "Why didn't you grab it by the handle."
Employee 1 giggles "I didn't have any wipes."

I love them all and for some reason this childlike dumb innocence just doesn't bother me.
Employee 2 comes to my desk - "Sorry about that. That must have made you mad"
Me - "If that's the worst that happens today that's fine."
Employee 2 walks off and...right now I am hearing my name being called.

Testing Locks (Over and over...)

Today I had to deal with someone who could not figure out that they could not test their door code on our keyless locks because the doors were already unlocked for the day.

Him-"It doesn't beep."
Me-"Right the system is already unlocked"
Him-"How do I know it works?"
Me-"I entered it, tested it, and I get in 3 hours before you do so if there is a problem come see me."
Him-"I sure wish I could test it."
Me-"Why?"
Him-"To see if it works."
Now I can hear the receptionist laughing and hard.
Me almost choking him - "Dude I know it works. I can swear that it works I used it myself when I entered it."
Him-"ok."
He walks off.

Five minutes later I look out and he is at the floor below me...trying it on the fucking door. That is already unlocked. He had gone downstairs to do it so I wouldn't see.
The guy is nice just a bit slow so I yell. "BEEP"
He just looks up at me sort of sheepishly.
Didn't see him for the rest of the day.

Short Story

We have spurts of heavy working here and that means tons of projects in the area and within the company.
So during a busy day the following happens.
-2 Doors break
-Keyless locks stop working
-Someone steals a mascot
-Someone LEAVES 3 computers at our doorstep
-I come in to find a shirtless man upside down on the front steps in his own urine and vomit
(I call in my assistant to come in and assist me with all the problems)

And it continues
-3 employees lose their desk keys
-The boss decides to buy a brand new major brand printer and...not get rid of the other one. So we now have a massive car sized printer and a newer smaller one...ah...but we are paying for both
-I go to the store to get snacks. We buy tons. I spend a good deal of time getting it because I know it makes people happy and in truth I enjoy that.
-The employee who takes my receipt sees its from the store I usually go to.
Employee-"Oh you went there."
Me-"Ya they had some deals."
Employee-"Are you going to Costco anytime soon."
Me-"If they have some deals maybe. But this store was cheaper with the same items."
Employee-"Hmmm"
Now I can tell they want to say something but I just don't want to fucking hear it. So I leave.

I find out later from my assistant that the person basically spent 1 hour doing nothing more than BITCHING that I didn't go to Costco. So when he asked the employee why it upset them their ONLY answer was "I like Costco better."
Not Costco brands, or Costco prices...just more...

Around the Office

Random occurrences in the office:

-Electricians installed an outlet upside down...
-An audio visual guy came to install our projector.
Got it all installed...backwards
-The carpet got removed and re-installed in the WRONG room.

-My personal favorite. My boss has a...moving employees fetish.
He loves to move everyone so no one gets comfortable.
But he moves them after hours or when they are gone.
HOLY FUCK people get mad.
And so he says-"Hey go tell so and so that we moved them."
Me-"Don't you think they know when they come in and their shit isn't there anymore."
I have warned him every time that we shouldn't move people without warning.

That one just happened 3 weeks ago and a couple people are still raw about it.
On the other hand he is a freaking giving boss to no end. Way giving.
So it does equal out.

The Lost Apples

"Where are the apples?" I am asked today.
"What do you mean?"

Employee-"The apples we put out yesterday are gone."
Me-"Did people eat them?  I mean...that's what they were there for."

Employee-"I don't think so. There were bunches of them."
Me-"Ok maybe they got moved"

So begins a fucking 1 hour search covering 4 floors looking for a bag of fucking apples.
Because hey they are rare or something. Some kind of golden apple or something.
People actually stopping work. "Where are the apples?" They ask.
"I am looking."
I give up after an hour as I have shit to do.
Someone comes to my desk. "Did you find the apples."
Me-"Nope."
Employee-"Are you still looking?"
Me-" "   (In my head "Do I fucking look like I am still looking?")
Employee-" "
Me-"We have tons of snacks and stuff. Can it wait?"
Employee- "Ya I guess I can go buy lunch or something"   Drops shoulders like I had just fired them.
Me "Thanks"

My boss comes in and passes me by.
He comes back 10 minutes later.
Boss-"Did we figure out where the apples are?"
Me-"I looked for an hour but...they are just apples maybe people ate them."
Boss-"Well if you get a chance..."
Me-"I already wasted an hour. I will just go get more."
Boss-"Well I don't want these to disappear too."
Me-"Maybe someone ate them."
Boss-"That's a lot of apples."'
Me-"How many? Because I keep damn asking and no one seems to know?"
Boss-"I just heard alot."

An hour later one of the workers comes up to me...
"Thanks for the apples I appreciate you getting healthy stuff."
Me-"Did you have one"
Employee-"I ate them all"
Me-"How many were there."
Employee-"2. Oh and I washed the bowl out and put it on the back into the cupboard."

So I go tell the boss.
Me-"Listen 2 damn apples. I wasted hours on this and I told everyone that someone just ate them. I don't have time to look into this crap I am swamped."
Boss-"Ya its just apples"
Me"..wha? bu? you?"
Fuck it.
Its like an alternate reality.

If I had not lived through it I wouldn't believe it.