I Will Walk 500 Miles...

I walk into work yesterday and something...reeks.
I mean nasty. I am looking around trying to find out what it is. I spent like 40 minutes trying to find this nasty ass smell.
Then one of the coworkers walks passed and it dawns on me... shit, its her.
I look down to see her stained nasty ass feet that are so dusty black and dirty that they are leaving little imprints on the carpet.

Me - "We have a clothing policy. You have to have shoes, you know that."
Her - "My shoes stink"
Me - "I don't think its your shoes."
Her - "Ya it is. Its my shoes they got sweaty and they smell so I am drying them off."
Me - "Your leaving dirty marks on the carpet. Put something on. And your feet look like you walked 50 miles"
Her - "I walked most of the way in bare feet."
Me - "Well you should probably...wait....where are you drying your shoes?"
Her - In the meeting room."
I run to the meeting room. She has placed her fucking nasty ass shoes on the nearby space heater, has it turned up and its blowing stink through the room. I take them down and toss them to her.
Her - "I can't put them on yet. I haven't washed them. They smell."
Me - "Listen enough is enough. Talk to your manager and figure something out."
About 2 hours later I come to the 4th floor and walk in. The employee is nowhere to be seen.
Her manager waves me over. "Hey I sent her home to get new shoes. Thanks for talking to her."
Me - "That's fine. Its-"
The stinky employee walks in...but she has come out of the bathroom.
...
Me - "Did you wash your feet in the sink?"
Her - "I didn't want to go home."
Me - "That is the grossest thing I think I have ever heard."
I walk to the bathroom and there is jet black splashes of water all over the floor, on the sink, on the toilet just everywhere.
I tell her manager. "Have her clean the bathroom."
Manager - "That might not be the best use of her time."
Me - "Forty minutes of me cleaning up after someone who has no clue how to fucking take care of themselves. That's called a waste of time."
Manager - "Oh I understand I just don't think-"
Me - "Listen. How about this. I will call the boss up here to take a look at his bathroom. If he thinks your employee cleaning up after themselves is a waste of time, than you can."
The bathroom was promptly cleaned.

I almost tore that ladies feet off. It was the nastiest god damn thing.

The Urgent Report

I am at my desk.
My boss stops by.
Can you come see me?
Me - "Sure"

We sit down and he begins to explain that he has the need to have me do some amazingly time sensitive shit. Shit that even 3 people...probably could not do on a timeline that is basically...well unrealistic.. So I sit there thinking. Totally honest with myself.
I could probably do what he wants. If I literally don't take a piss. Don't MOVE from my spot. And its basically 3 projects, 1 for each of my jobs all connected by a single vague need.
Me - "Yes I can do it...barely"
He thanks me.
And I begin.

Hours pass.
Working continues. Employees get hurt, walk around aimlessly while I toil.
One comes to my desk.
Employee - "It's cold at my desk."
Me - "Your desk is just one of the bad spots. We know about it and right now the boss says just wear layers until a company can come in and do something"
Employee - "Can I have a space heater?"
Me - "No we will fix it. Again wear layers like a jacket or something. It's not that cold its about 1-2 degrees colder. We verified it with a gauge."
Employee-"Ok no prob"
Me back to work.

About an hour away from completion my boss pulls me aside.
Boss - "Did you say so and so can have a space heater?"
Me - "No I said she couldn't."
Boss - "She does."
Me - "Ok."
Boss - "Can you figure it out?"
Me - "Right after I finish the projects you gave me."
Boss "ok"
I go back to work.

Boss walks by 3 or 4 times and goes away.
Then he is back again, pacing.
Me - "Did the timeline change for this?"  Thinking he needed the work done.
Boss - "Huh? Oh no. Have you talked to so and so about the space heater."
Me - "Do you want me to right now?"
Boss - "Ya"
I go to employee.
Me - "I said no space heaters."
Employee - "I found one"
Me - "Did you notice that it is colder EVERYWHERE else now. Your space heater is making it so the AC is on for everyone else. Put it away."
Employee - "I thought you said I could have one."
Now...I hate liars. I hate them with a passion I can barely control. I don't ever do it and its caused me no end of problems but that is just the way I am. Even worse though, is my hate for people who put words in my mouth/strawman me or try to say something occurred but it did not.
Me - "At no time did I hint, say, or even suggest that the possibility existed for you to even think about having a space heater."
Employee - "I guess I misunderstood."
Me - "That is not possible. My answer was no, very clearly. Remove it now."
Back to work.

I am done. Finally.
I bring the information/drawings/metrics and so forth to my boss's desk.
He is not there. He is gone for the day. Secretary said he went home.
FUCK THIS. I worked hard on this.
I call his cell. "I have that information where do you want it."
Boss - "What information?"
Me - "The report."
Boss - "Oh leave it on my desk or bring it in tomorrow."
Me - "Did you still need it in a hurry."
Boss - "No its fine."
I decide. Its time to go home I have had enough. Long day and I don't want to get shitty with anyone.
I go home.

Boss emails me less than 2 hours later. "Hey where is that information?"
Me - "Its with me. You said leave it on your desk or bring it in tomorrow. I have it with me to perfect."
Boss - "I have a meeting in like 15 minutes. Can you get it here."
Me - sigh "Sure."
I bring it in.
And I shit you not. I get there and he is not there AGAIN.
I ask the Secretary and she says he never came in.
I call him back.
me - "Where are you?"
Boss - "At home?"
Me -   ...  "Did you want me to bring the papers there?"
Boss -  Silence... "You...don't know where I live do you?"
Me - "Of course not."
Boss begins laughing. "I am so sorry I didn't even think about it. Um, just don't worry about it."
Me - "I am going home. When I go home I will not leave again. I will have the papers with me. Do we agree that is what should occur."
Boss - "Ya sorry."

I come in today and he gives me my bonus. 3 times what it would be for the year.
I almost socked him in the face