Recycled Tupperware

I was asked to recycle kitchen supplies like Tupperware and stuff. So I spent maybe 3 hours picking these bowls, keeping some, sorting others and had a good huge pile.
I took them to the recycling bin.
Female coworker - "What the fuck are you doing?"
Me - "Recycling this Tupperware."
Coworker - "You know how long that stays in the ground right."
I nod my head, "That's why I am putting it in the recycle... so it gets you know... recycled."
Coworker - "No you weren't you were putting it in the trash."
Me - "No... not so much. IF you look here you will see the giant recycle sign on the giant recycle bin."
Coworker - "You were throwing it away."
I show her the recycle bin with tons of items in it.
Coworker - "You just now put those in!"
Me - "The fuck you say. I am not a magician."
Coworker - "I saw you!"
Me - "First no you didn't. Second you are the one who smashed your truck into the giant yellow barrier downstairs with the giant bumper that goes around it. Then seconds later smashed it again into the big RED truck that was beside you. Maybe you shouldn't trust your vision."

I was written up for being insensitive and making anti-blind comments.
My boss tore it up.

A couple hours later a different worker was caught removing all the items and taking them home like homeless cats.
What the fuck?

Bathing at Work

Yesterday I show up to work and one of the people pulls me to the side to talk to me.
Employee - "'Blank' employee smells."
Me - "Uhm... have you talked to their manager?"
Employee - "No I don't feel comfortable."
Me - "Ok. Uhm, what do you want me to do?"
Employee - "Can you talk to them. And maybe buy some products and maybe we can build a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "The hell? Build a shower? What do you mean?"
Employee - "Last place I worked they had a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "You mean like... a locker room or changing room for bikes and stuff."
Employee - "Ya like that."
Me - "No way. Maybe we will put something out in the next office article about perfume, body odor that kind of thing."
Employee - "Ok that would be great cause right now they are using the downstairs construction bathroom large basin sink to take baths with rags."
Me - "Are you kidding?"
Employee - "No."

So I walk to the offending employees desk and it does indeed smell. But I can't figure out why. That person is not there. What smells.
I look under the desk. A pile of very neatly folded washcloths are stuck under the 3 drawer cabinet...
I sit and think. No, that's impossible, no one would leave their dirty washcloths under their own desk right?
Right?
The person comes in about 2 hours later. I walk up to them.
Me - "So I noticed that thrtr were some rags under your desk. We want to make sure those arn't there so the janitor doesn't suck them into his vacuum or throw your stuff away."
The employee looks me dead in the eye. "Oh I left them there hoping he would throw them away. They have been there for like 2 weeks."
Me - "Throw those damn things away right now."
Employee - "I don't want to touch them."
I leave and come back with two plastic sandwich bags. "Here put your fucking hands in these and pick them up."
Nasty.
I found out today. They were OUR dishrags for drying dishes off in the kitchen.
Just gross.

Child at Heart

We had a party a couple days ago, and the fucking people won't throw away their party supplies. I keep warning them to toss them. It will rot. Employees say "...oh ya we will get to it."
I am sitting at my desk.
Crash!
I walk to the kitchen, and someone decided to slam the fridge door about 40 times rather than check to see what was stopping the door from shutting. And the tray of rotten delight promptly fell to the floor.
The sharp tang of fucking rotten cheese erupts.
I toss them a towel. "Clean it up."
They look at me like I am batshit crazy. "I am not cleaning that up."
Me - "Do it now. You caused this, you clean it up. And don't crush stuff in the fridge. Get some god damn respect."
I walk away.
About 10 minutes later I see the same employee with the end of a broom (Brush missing) walk by.
FUCK

I walk into the kitchen.
The employee has a towel wrapped around the broom and is sweeping cheese bits into all the crevices rather than clean it up.
I grab the broom. "Have you ever cleaned anything in your life?"
Employee- "I do not need to be talked to that way."
Me - "You have no respect for other people's stuff, you have no respect for cleaning up after yourself. Only a child does that. So let me clean it for you child."
She walks off.
Boss calls me in a bit later. "So...did you call so and so a child?"
Me - "Yep."
Boss - "Well they are so that's fine. But next time don't clean it up for them."
Me - "And let rotten cheese sit in the cracks of the kitchen?"
Boss - "....ya that's probably not going to work. Ok good job."

Waterpark Adventures

Here goes.

"Boom splash" The sound of something horrible comes from the kitchen at work.
I go in.
Employee #1 stands there covered in water. The new water filter spraying everywhere.
I rush to turn it off.
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "I wanted filtered water so I pushed the button."
Me - "What button?"
Employee - "That one"
She points in the general direction of the filter...or maybe the sink.
I look over and see an indicator for filtered and unfiltered and a switch for both. No button. Then I look behind it, on the opposite side, hidden, unlike the FILTERED and UNFILTERED switch, is a small button.
The hidden button reads "Eject Filter"
Me -"This one?" I point.
Employee - "Ya that one."
Me - "These two say filtered and unfiltered its a switch."
Employee - "I didn't think to read them."
I walk away.

Hours go by.
Phone rings.
Me - "How can I help you?"
Employee #2 - "The power is off in my cubicle"
Me - "Ok I will be right there."
I hear coworkers chuckling as they have come to expect weirdness.
I go to the employee's desk. Everything is off, lights, goldfish bowl, computer. Digital phone works but they get there power from the outlets we use.
Me - "What happened"
Her - "I don't know I was just working on a document and everything shut off."
Me - "Ok let me look"

Now a bit of history, just 2 weeks ago this same employee decided to go barefoot for the day at her desk and shut off the power strip with her big toe. That caused me 15 minutes of my life.
So I figure...maybe that. So I go under the desk.
And place my hand firmly in a 1/4 inch of water.
Me - "What the jebus!"
Employee "What?"
Me - "There is water down here. It's all over"
I see a puddle of about 3-4 feet. A wet spot on the carpet. I unplug the power strip which leaks water out of the fucking plug-ins itself and get the hell out of the water.
I stand up. My eyes roll to the fish tank.
"Fuck" I whisper.
Employee - "What?"
Me - "Nothing....so does your fish tank leak?"
Employee - "Nope. Well it is hot so the water has been evaporating faster than normal. It's low sometimes."
Me - "Do you pour water into it?"
Employee - "Ya I did today."
Me - "Just once?"
Employee - ...  "It's been hot."
Me - "So more than once?"
Employee - ... "Ya like four or five times."
Good fucking god!
It's a wonder she didn't blow the entire wall outlet.
I replace the outlet, call some people to clean it.

I come back.
"The fish tank is leaking. You should probably replace it. But no matter what you need to fix it."
I shit you not less than two hours later she was using the fucking coffee maker's coffee pot. Three little nasty goldfish. Now we have a couple extra ones of these so...I guess its not like we will be using it tomorrow but still. What a dicktard.
I tell the boss.
He says "... Again."
I walk out.

The Little Goldfish That Could

And another gem.

I hear a spoon being mulched by the garbage disposal.
So I go to the kitchen.
No one.
The disposal is barely running and in safe mode a little audible alarm going off.
I come to it, unplug it and remove a very warped and bent fork.
Employee is no where to be seen.
Hmmmm.
I go sit down.

"Hey why won't the disposal work." I hear someone yell.
I get up and walk over.
Me - "There was a fork in it, I unplugged it."
Employee - "That was mine. I was cleaning my beta fish bowl and the glass marbles fell down the drain."
Me - "With a fork?"
Employee - "I was using the fork to get them out."
I now notice what the employee has in their hand.
The wet/dry vacuum.
Me - "You were NOT going to try to vacuum the marbles out were you?"
Employee - "No...."
They stand there.
I stand there.
10 seconds of them standing there.
Employee - "Its a wet/dry."

Me - "I am calling someone don't touch it."
Employee - "ok"
I call the plumber who comes in.
The fucking employee had dropped the beta fish in there. And aside from a torn fin he was alive!
That fucker was going to fork that fish out, then wet vac him out.
Well... I guess he was trying.

 Followup:
Mc Scrappy Pants is now on my desk.
I don't care if we are not supposed to have shit like this at our desk.
I saved the little bugger he is mine.

More Garage and Toaster Adventures

I am sitting at my desk, chatting with a co-worker when another walks up to me.
Employee - "I crashed my car."
Me - "Where?"
Employee - "Downstairs."
So we go to the basement and the employee's nice new Ford was jammed up against the basement's reinforcement pillar.
Employee - "Can you help me."
Me - "Sure."
Employee gets in.
Me - "Go forward slow."
Brake lights come on, tail lights come on, reverse lights come on.
Oh shit.

Bumper and front quarter panel are nicely removed with the screeching of metal.
Employee - "That wasn't reverse tee hee."
Me -  ...  "No, no it wasn't."
I move the items now on the ground.
The employee moves forward, then back...then forward, then back, then forward and back again and the sound of metal is echoing all across the street, and boom they are now free of the offending pillar.
Employee - "Thank gawd."
Me - "So call your insurance and tell them."
Employee - "Oh I did, I already called my husband he is on his way to see it."
BAM...
Screech.
Bang.
Toyota pickup with a collapsed right tire limps into the basement.
Employee - "Oh there he is."
He smashed into our outer barricade while texting her.
...Wonderful.
It was snowy that day but no excuses for dumb.


I go back upstairs fill out paperwork and begin working.

New employee - "Uhm...we need you in the kitchen."
Me - "Whats wrong?"
Employee - "Something is wrong with the toaster oven."
I walk in, the front of the toaster over has something clear and nasty baked onto it and its smoking. I unplug it.
Me - "What the fuck is that?"
Employee - "Someone taped a sign to the front that said 'Not to use it' because the settings were off."
Me, now realizing that this horrid stinking mass was clear tape that had nastied on the front of the super hot over. "Why did you use it?"
Employee with a totally straight face and happy as a clam, "I was baking modeling clay."
Me - "In our toaster oven?"
Employee - "Ya I don't have an oven at my apartment."

Hot Pockets

...we had another food disaster.

Caller-"I just want to tell you, the toaster oven lit on fire."
Me. I am thinking shit this is easy stuff-"Sparks fire or like your food got on the burner?"
Caller-"Flames"
Me-"What were you cooking?"
Caller-"A hot pocket."
Me-....fuck I already know what happened.
I go downstairs and they have a neatly cooked hotpocket with the gawd damn microwaveable cardboard sock still on it.
Me-"The microwave sock was still on it."
Employee-"Ya I figured that was the problem after the first one.... So I-"
Me-"The first what?"
Employee-"The first of the hotpockets. I cooked 2."
Me-"Where is the first one...?"
Employee-"I ate it."
Me-"That metallic coat and cardboard can't be good for you. I don't think that was a good idea."
Employee."I washed it off first..."

So it Begins

 Soooo.
Everything is nice and quiet.

Then I get the first call.
"Can you come down to the parking lot?"
I go down there. One worker is on the ground his lower body half under a car. I think he is dead.
Employee who contacted me. "He fell under the car"
Me-"You mean slipped. The car wasn't moving right?" I look down, stuck employee is fine. Now the area is pretty much encased in ice right now as it was deep in winter at the time and the snow melted into the basement and then froze during the night.
Employee under car-"No I was running and I thought I would try to slid under it"
...I shit you not. The car is a chevy blazer but its fucking got normal tires and isn't raised and this dude, who is not small, caught his giant parka-like jacket on SOMETHING. That takes an hour to get fixed.

Second call.
Caller-"We just found out that the fridge over here was off all night."
Me-"Have you checked to see if it is plugged in?"
Sounds.
Employee-"Ya its plugged in next to some other stuff."
Me-"How much other stuff?"
Employee-"The coffee machine, the fridge, the toaster oven, the normal toaster, the blender, the microwave, the water bottle chiller and the microwave."
Me-"Wait you just said microwave twice. Do you have two?"
Employee-"We have three. Sometimes when we are all trying to eat lunch its busy so two people brought them from home."
FUCK.
Me-"Is anything else wrong."
Employee-"Ya it looks like we have a bulb or two out."
Me-"No...that's a blown fuse from plugging in 3 microwaves and that other stuff all at the same time."
Employee-"But there were open outlets..."