I Will Walk 500 Miles...

I walk into work yesterday and something...reeks.
I mean nasty. I am looking around trying to find out what it is. I spent like 40 minutes trying to find this nasty ass smell.
Then one of the coworkers walks passed and it dawns on me... shit, its her.
I look down to see her stained nasty ass feet that are so dusty black and dirty that they are leaving little imprints on the carpet.

Me - "We have a clothing policy. You have to have shoes, you know that."
Her - "My shoes stink"
Me - "I don't think its your shoes."
Her - "Ya it is. Its my shoes they got sweaty and they smell so I am drying them off."
Me - "Your leaving dirty marks on the carpet. Put something on. And your feet look like you walked 50 miles"
Her - "I walked most of the way in bare feet."
Me - "Well you should probably...wait....where are you drying your shoes?"
Her - In the meeting room."
I run to the meeting room. She has placed her fucking nasty ass shoes on the nearby space heater, has it turned up and its blowing stink through the room. I take them down and toss them to her.
Her - "I can't put them on yet. I haven't washed them. They smell."
Me - "Listen enough is enough. Talk to your manager and figure something out."
About 2 hours later I come to the 4th floor and walk in. The employee is nowhere to be seen.
Her manager waves me over. "Hey I sent her home to get new shoes. Thanks for talking to her."
Me - "That's fine. Its-"
The stinky employee walks in...but she has come out of the bathroom.
...
Me - "Did you wash your feet in the sink?"
Her - "I didn't want to go home."
Me - "That is the grossest thing I think I have ever heard."
I walk to the bathroom and there is jet black splashes of water all over the floor, on the sink, on the toilet just everywhere.
I tell her manager. "Have her clean the bathroom."
Manager - "That might not be the best use of her time."
Me - "Forty minutes of me cleaning up after someone who has no clue how to fucking take care of themselves. That's called a waste of time."
Manager - "Oh I understand I just don't think-"
Me - "Listen. How about this. I will call the boss up here to take a look at his bathroom. If he thinks your employee cleaning up after themselves is a waste of time, than you can."
The bathroom was promptly cleaned.

I almost tore that ladies feet off. It was the nastiest god damn thing.

Wrap it up for Safety

I just remembered one from way back.
It was winter and the building ownership was taking out old insulation and putting new stuff in.
So they stacked the old stuff in a parking stall in the basement.
One of the employees from a colder state said. "Can I use the insulation to put around my car engine when I am here for late hours?"
Now I don't know enough to know if that's normal. But it wasn't that fucking cold. Snowy yes, and wet but not Antarctica cold.
I say no. I do not think it is the best idea.
But they do it anyway.

The next morning. They come to my desk.
Him - "Can I get help?"
Me - "Sure whats up?"
Him - "Remember that insulation?"
Me - "... yes... " sigh
Him - "I need help getting it out of my car."
We go down to the basement. This tard put insulation all around his engine and stuffed a good deal down near his fucking engine fan. And promptly forgot.
And started the car.
That shit was EVERYWHERE. It was in fan ducts, blown out into about 8000 pieces into the basement.
It looked like 5,000 stuffed animals had committed suicide all at once.
We spent HOURS cleaning it.
And it still didn't matter. Burning insulation every time he drives it. (which I think is cancer causing)
Fuck it.

The Gate to Nowhere

Because no one got hurt I will post this one. Its just stupid dangerous.
We have roof mounted mesh door for our driveway so that we can lock it after hours, you know the ones that slid up and down.
One of the employees comes to me one morning.
Her - "I have a problem"
Me - "Ya?"
Her - "I hit the gate downstairs with my car."
Me - "Lets go look."

So we go downstairs and see, that she has not only hit the sliding mesh but much of it is hanging over her car. I call building management who shows up.
Me - "So what happened."
Her - "Well I tapped it and it didn't open. So I tapped it again a couple of times."
Me - "Why did you tap it."
Her - "I thought it was pressure sensitive."
Me - "Pressure sensitive means car weight. You don't tap it, it senses that you are parked on a spot and it opens the door."
Her - "Oh."
Me - "And the big sign that says "Push button on remote" is there to show people that they have to use the remote to get it to open."
Her - "I thought it meant something on the door itself."
I look at the sign. Which shows a keychain and a big finger pressing a button.
Me - "Uh...huh."

Her - "Well I need to call the owner of the other car."
Me - "Say WHAT?"
Her - "Well I tried to park and scratched another car."
So I follow her to her car, and the bit of the mesh that is stuck out the side of the car had scrapped down the side of another car.
It looked like the other car had sideswiped a fucking rhino.
Her - "Do you think building maintenance will pay for the damage."
Me - "No... not likely. "

Wedding Day Congratulations

Boss calls me on my wedding day
Boss - "I just want to say congrats. It's wonderful"
Me - "Thanks. That's very nice of you."
Boss - "So are you enjoying it?"
Me - "I get married at 4pm so right now we are just setting up and that kind of Jazz."
Boss - "Hahaha. I love Jazz. That's a good choice of music."
Me - "What... no. Sorry its just a saying. We aren't playing Jazz."

Boss - "...So I have an idea."
Me - "Ok."
Boss - "What if we worked on a revolving parking program for employees. A thing where they can have some kind of drawing and such?"
Me - "...Well I don't have my computer with me at the CHURCH. Lets talk about it tomorrow. Sounds like a good idea."
Boss - "Ya that's what I thought. I don't want the same people winning you know. Every month that would be bad. But some kind of revolving thing. Where people win-"
Music playing in background interrupts him.

Boss - "What was that?"
Me - "Just the music for the practice for my almost wife."
Boss - "So anyway can we-"
Me - "Do you think I can call you later? They are asking for me"
Boss - "Sure sorry ya. Again congrats on the wedding."
Me - "No problem."
Boss - "Ok well I will let you go. Why don't you just give me a call tonight when your done?"
Me - "When I am done getting...married?"
Boss - "That's today?!"
me - "Yes. That's why I am not at work."
Boss - "I thought it was the rehearsal."
Me - "No. I have today off and tomorrow I will be in."
Boss - "That explains why my admin assistance didn't want me to call you today."
Me - "Ya probably..."
Boss - "K bye."

Send in the Support

This one has me not only boggled but just pissed.

I get a ticket to assist someone with computer problems through our software program. Very detailed, well written and described.
But at the end it states.
"How do I report computer problems like this?"
Me - "You just did. This system is for that. And we will send someone to get you help."
Response - "Thanks, your a godsend. But if I have a problem in the future how do I get help?"
Me - "When you fill out a ticket, you are asking for help. This system is for that. And the person should be there in a moment."
Response - "Thank you very much. They are here right now. It's so nice to get help so quickly thanks. When reporting issues, should i just email or use the ticket program?"
Me - "Use the ticket program."
Response...and I am not shitting you. "How is that?"
Me - "How is what?"
Response - "How do I get to it?"
Me - "How did you report the original problem?"
Response - "I created a ticket in the software."
Me - "Ok. That's how you do it. Looks like you did everything fine."
Response - "Oh ok I understand now sorry. I am not good with computers as you know. I just thought I should be using a program or something for this..."
Me - "Yep that is correct. The program you are using is fine."
Response - "Ok. Thanks very much the problems have been fixed. And whenever you can have someone train me on the reporting program that would be great!"
Me... what the fuck.
I still don't have any clue what this person is not getting.

Case of the Missing Mini Fridge

I come into work on a Monday
One of the mini fridges is GONE.
GONE.
Just not there.
Hmmm.
I begin looking for it.
I find it in one of the game rooms.
I look at the checkout of the room and find out the last person who had it.
Me - "Did you move the mini fridge into the gameroom?"
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "Why?"
Employee - "We were playing games and had pop and some other stuff to keep cold."
Me - ... "Why didn't you use the fridge... already in the game room?"
Employee - "..."
Me - "Did you know there was one?"
Employee - "Sorry"

So I move the mini fridge. Boss sees me.
Boss - "Why are you moving the mini fridge."
Me - "Someone moved it into the game room."
Boss - "Oh. For a party or something?"
Me - "Ya"
Boss - "Oh ok..." Walks about 10 feet away turns back around.
Boss - "Maybe we should get one for that room."
Me - "..." I shake my head.
Boss - "There is already one in there isn't there."
Me - "Yes."
Boss - "Gotcha"
Shoots me a thumbs up and walks off.

I get an email about 15 minutes later from the boss. Copied from his email.
"Maybe we should get a bigger fridge for the game room. If people are using it for that kind of thing. A larger fridge with a freezer, or at least freezer drawers? That way we could stop people from doing this and they would have the equipment they needed."
My entire email response:
"No."

Indecisive Boss

Boss calls me, "Lets buy that new Rockband game for the Wii."
Me - "Ok."
I see the price later.
Me - "Hey boss, the price is pretty damn high. I can get it but I wanted you to know."
Boss - "Price isn't a big deal, lets get it and maybe do some talent shows and stuff."
Me - "Copy, great. I am getting it."

Cut to the next day.
Boss calls me.
Boss - "That game was expensive."
Me - "I know. That's why I called you."
Boss - "Did you get it already?"
Me - "... ya... that's why I called you from the store... getting ready to buy it..."
Boss - "Lets take it back."
Me - "Ok."

Cut to 2 hours later
My cell rings...his number pops up.
Me - "Hello."
Boss - "Hey did you return that game."
Me - "Yep just got done with customer service."
Boss - "Well its ok to get it. I was looking at the wrong purchase. I was looking at the CD's you got."
Me - "Those were 40.00..."
Boss - "Ya. I was looking at the wrong stuff."
Me - "But this is like 200.00"
Boss - "Ya that's cool go ahead and get it."
Fuck

Next day
Boss - "Lets take the TV down in the one room, put it into the other room, then take that TV sell it to the employees and then buy another one for the original room."
Me - "For gods sake why?"
Boss - "It's not big enough."
Me - "It's a 60 inch"
Boss - "Ya get a 70 or something."
I do the work.
Boss comes in. "That's a big tv in the room."
Me - "Ya its a 70 inch"
Boss - "Hmmm..."
Me - "What?"
Boss - "I think it may be too big for where it is."
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
Me - "..."
Boss - "...no maybe its fine."
Me - "ya...maybe."
He leaves.

Child at Heart

We had a party a couple days ago, and the fucking people won't throw away their party supplies. I keep warning them to toss them. It will rot. Employees say "...oh ya we will get to it."
I am sitting at my desk.
Crash!
I walk to the kitchen, and someone decided to slam the fridge door about 40 times rather than check to see what was stopping the door from shutting. And the tray of rotten delight promptly fell to the floor.
The sharp tang of fucking rotten cheese erupts.
I toss them a towel. "Clean it up."
They look at me like I am batshit crazy. "I am not cleaning that up."
Me - "Do it now. You caused this, you clean it up. And don't crush stuff in the fridge. Get some god damn respect."
I walk away.
About 10 minutes later I see the same employee with the end of a broom (Brush missing) walk by.
FUCK

I walk into the kitchen.
The employee has a towel wrapped around the broom and is sweeping cheese bits into all the crevices rather than clean it up.
I grab the broom. "Have you ever cleaned anything in your life?"
Employee- "I do not need to be talked to that way."
Me - "You have no respect for other people's stuff, you have no respect for cleaning up after yourself. Only a child does that. So let me clean it for you child."
She walks off.
Boss calls me in a bit later. "So...did you call so and so a child?"
Me - "Yep."
Boss - "Well they are so that's fine. But next time don't clean it up for them."
Me - "And let rotten cheese sit in the cracks of the kitchen?"
Boss - "....ya that's probably not going to work. Ok good job."

Printing Genius

So...I am sitting at my desk on the first break I have had for maybe 2 weeks.
Employee comes up.
Her - "Oh your talking about movies, I can interrupt then."
Me - "Yep I am on my break."
Her - "So I can't print..."
Laughter from coworkers.
Me - "Well what error comes up?"
Her - "Nothing. It says hit the IP button. and there isn't one."
Me - "It's right next to the printer icon."
Her - "No."
So I go to her desk and point at the IP button. "There it is."
Her - "It wasn't there a second ago."
Me - "The button?"
Her - "Ya"
Me - "Well its a hard coded button into all the computers."
Her - "Ya wasn't there."
Me - "Click it."
Her - "Ok it works."

I go sit down.
2 minutes later she walks by. "It's not printing. I don't know whats wrong."
I walk to her desk.
Error in a massive box on her screen. "Printer out of paper"
Me - "That's probably your problem."
Her - "Ya I didn't read that."
I walk off.