Three months ago.
Inside the grocery store at the checkout line. My best friend says, "What would be the worst thing you can imagine?"
Me, I think for a second then - "I think losing my arms. No video games, no spanking my wife's ass, no airsoft, I wouldn't be able to do shit. Might as well just kill myself." All in jest.
I turn around. Yep, a man with not only 1 missing arm, but both. Just the nubs. Staring at me.
He stares.
I stare.
I mumble sorry and try to walk away, I just wanted to escape.
And crash headfirst into an old lady who is unpacking her items onto the fucking register belt.
And I knock her down. And not a small amount. She splays out hands in front of her, shit rolling everywhere, crackers, chips, cookies, cans of soup, everything goes flying as she attempts to hold onto the belt and ends up just swiping everything off.
It was horrible. Nothing usually embarrasses me but man, it gives me a sick stomach just thinking about it.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Can You Hear Me Now?
I get an IM from someone.
Me - "I am busy let me get back to you."
Coworker - "k"
30 seconds later an email from same person - "Hey do you have a second?"
Me - "Give me a bit. I will get back to you."
Email comes back - "k"
No shit. One minute later my phone rings. Her number comes up. Well maybe its important than.
Me - "What's up?"
Employee - "Do you have a sec?"
Me - "Sorry I thought you might have seen the IM or email. I am swamped can I get back to you?"
Employee - "Sure"
Less than 3 minutes later an IM comes in. "Hey don't worry I took care of it."
I called them an hour later to ask what they needed.
Employee - "I wanted to know if my IM was coming through...?"
Me - "Didn't you... get my IM saying I was busy... and then answer it yourself."
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "So...?"
Employee - "Was it working?"
I hang up.
I am not sure what the FING F the person was trying to do but damn. Just damn.
How is that possible.
It ranks right up there with the employee asking me where the tinfoil was in the kitchen. When I showed them the drawer labeled TINFOIL they said. "Oh I meant plastic wrap."
I showed them the drawer labeled plastic wrap.
They said. "Oh I didn't know those labels were accurate."
Me - "Just open it and check."
Employee - "I didn't want to bother anyone."
Bother anyone... what? Its like translating Russian to sign language through someone who only knows Japanese.
My boss recently handed out bonus's and his exact words to me were. "I know its hard working in a funny farm but we appreciate it."
He has no idea.
Me - "I am busy let me get back to you."
Coworker - "k"
30 seconds later an email from same person - "Hey do you have a second?"
Me - "Give me a bit. I will get back to you."
Email comes back - "k"
No shit. One minute later my phone rings. Her number comes up. Well maybe its important than.
Me - "What's up?"
Employee - "Do you have a sec?"
Me - "Sorry I thought you might have seen the IM or email. I am swamped can I get back to you?"
Employee - "Sure"
Less than 3 minutes later an IM comes in. "Hey don't worry I took care of it."
I called them an hour later to ask what they needed.
Employee - "I wanted to know if my IM was coming through...?"
Me - "Didn't you... get my IM saying I was busy... and then answer it yourself."
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "So...?"
Employee - "Was it working?"
I hang up.
I am not sure what the FING F the person was trying to do but damn. Just damn.
How is that possible.
It ranks right up there with the employee asking me where the tinfoil was in the kitchen. When I showed them the drawer labeled TINFOIL they said. "Oh I meant plastic wrap."
I showed them the drawer labeled plastic wrap.
They said. "Oh I didn't know those labels were accurate."
Me - "Just open it and check."
Employee - "I didn't want to bother anyone."
Bother anyone... what? Its like translating Russian to sign language through someone who only knows Japanese.
My boss recently handed out bonus's and his exact words to me were. "I know its hard working in a funny farm but we appreciate it."
He has no idea.
Pumpkin Delight
I get an email from a coworker - "How old is the pumpkin pie in the fridge?"
Me - "Old like from Halloween. It should be thrown away."
Instant message from same person. - "Really?"
Me - "Ya its probably nasty."
Two hours pass.
I find a coworker, "Hey were is so and so? I haven't seen them?"
Coworker - "They went home sick."
Me - "..."
I go to the fridge. I find a moldy pumpkin pie with huge chunks out of one side.
I call my coworkers cell. - "Did you eat some of that pie?"
Coworker - "Ya but I scraped the mold off first."
Me - "That's probably why you are sick."
Coworker - "No... its probably something else."
Jezuz. So nasty. And I think the person who made it used eggs for the topping.
Me - "Old like from Halloween. It should be thrown away."
Instant message from same person. - "Really?"
Me - "Ya its probably nasty."
Two hours pass.
I find a coworker, "Hey were is so and so? I haven't seen them?"
Coworker - "They went home sick."
Me - "..."
I go to the fridge. I find a moldy pumpkin pie with huge chunks out of one side.
I call my coworkers cell. - "Did you eat some of that pie?"
Coworker - "Ya but I scraped the mold off first."
Me - "That's probably why you are sick."
Coworker - "No... its probably something else."
Jezuz. So nasty. And I think the person who made it used eggs for the topping.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Office Quickie: Wet Paint
An employee walks by me and I notice their green shirt has white paint all over one side, like they leaned against a painted wall.
I run to our new rooms construction and sure enough the wet paint has a huge imprint of someone having leaned against it. I look and the wet paint sign is still there nearby.
I catch up to the employee. "Dude your covered in paint."
Employee - "Oh shit." He looks at his shoulder, "Damn!"
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "Oh I was talking for awhile and wanted to rest so I moved some piece of paper and leaned against the wall."
He had moved the wet paint sign.
I run to our new rooms construction and sure enough the wet paint has a huge imprint of someone having leaned against it. I look and the wet paint sign is still there nearby.
I catch up to the employee. "Dude your covered in paint."
Employee - "Oh shit." He looks at his shoulder, "Damn!"
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "Oh I was talking for awhile and wanted to rest so I moved some piece of paper and leaned against the wall."
He had moved the wet paint sign.
Office Quickie: Speaking Spanish
Last week we got a delivery that wasn't ours. And it was from some strange company.
When I call them its all in Spanish. It's an international call of some kind and we spend over 30 minutes trying to understand one another. I know the word burrito, and she knows the word Sir.
It continues for another 10 minutes before I finally hang up in frustration after asking to talk to someone who spoke English for the 20th time.
I lean back in my chair.
My co-worker looks at me and says, "Hey, I speak Spanish did you need something?"
Jezuz.
When I call them its all in Spanish. It's an international call of some kind and we spend over 30 minutes trying to understand one another. I know the word burrito, and she knows the word Sir.
It continues for another 10 minutes before I finally hang up in frustration after asking to talk to someone who spoke English for the 20th time.
I lean back in my chair.
My co-worker looks at me and says, "Hey, I speak Spanish did you need something?"
Jezuz.
General Boss
End of day
The boss asks me to come to his office.
Boss - "I hear you are cussing a lot."
Me - "Fuck ya."
Boss - "You ok?"
Me - "Ya, well no. We have an employee washing themselves in our basin sink with our towels and leaving them under her desk, we have people taking entire boxes of candy around wherever they want leaving nothing for anyone else, and the damn Christmas stuff took me 2 hours to put up and then you told me to take them down again. So ya, it sort of sucks today."
Boss - "I understand, it can be hard here. Did you get a chance to work on that report."
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
This must have continued for thirty seconds.
Finally he nods. "You've been busy."
Me - "Ya."
Boss - "Well good job keep it up."
Me - "Ya well sorry about the cussing."
Boss - "What...? Oh now that's fine. I just heard you talking to someone."
Me - "Ya it was about the cookies."
Boss - "What the fuck happened this time? Jesus these people will never learn."
I stand there staring...
Slowly it dawns on him what he just said. He gives me a short salute and says, "Carry on." And turns to his computer.
I think I am working with some kind of crazy ex military leader.
The boss asks me to come to his office.
Boss - "I hear you are cussing a lot."
Me - "Fuck ya."
Boss - "You ok?"
Me - "Ya, well no. We have an employee washing themselves in our basin sink with our towels and leaving them under her desk, we have people taking entire boxes of candy around wherever they want leaving nothing for anyone else, and the damn Christmas stuff took me 2 hours to put up and then you told me to take them down again. So ya, it sort of sucks today."
Boss - "I understand, it can be hard here. Did you get a chance to work on that report."
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
This must have continued for thirty seconds.
Finally he nods. "You've been busy."
Me - "Ya."
Boss - "Well good job keep it up."
Me - "Ya well sorry about the cussing."
Boss - "What...? Oh now that's fine. I just heard you talking to someone."
Me - "Ya it was about the cookies."
Boss - "What the fuck happened this time? Jesus these people will never learn."
I stand there staring...
Slowly it dawns on him what he just said. He gives me a short salute and says, "Carry on." And turns to his computer.
I think I am working with some kind of crazy ex military leader.
Bathing at Work
Yesterday I show up to work and one of the people pulls me to the side to talk to me.
Employee - "'Blank' employee smells."
Me - "Uhm... have you talked to their manager?"
Employee - "No I don't feel comfortable."
Me - "Ok. Uhm, what do you want me to do?"
Employee - "Can you talk to them. And maybe buy some products and maybe we can build a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "The hell? Build a shower? What do you mean?"
Employee - "Last place I worked they had a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "You mean like... a locker room or changing room for bikes and stuff."
Employee - "Ya like that."
Me - "No way. Maybe we will put something out in the next office article about perfume, body odor that kind of thing."
Employee - "Ok that would be great cause right now they are using the downstairs construction bathroom large basin sink to take baths with rags."
Me - "Are you kidding?"
Employee - "No."
So I walk to the offending employees desk and it does indeed smell. But I can't figure out why. That person is not there. What smells.
I look under the desk. A pile of very neatly folded washcloths are stuck under the 3 drawer cabinet...
I sit and think. No, that's impossible, no one would leave their dirty washcloths under their own desk right?
Right?
The person comes in about 2 hours later. I walk up to them.
Me - "So I noticed that thrtr were some rags under your desk. We want to make sure those arn't there so the janitor doesn't suck them into his vacuum or throw your stuff away."
The employee looks me dead in the eye. "Oh I left them there hoping he would throw them away. They have been there for like 2 weeks."
Me - "Throw those damn things away right now."
Employee - "I don't want to touch them."
I leave and come back with two plastic sandwich bags. "Here put your fucking hands in these and pick them up."
Nasty.
I found out today. They were OUR dishrags for drying dishes off in the kitchen.
Just gross.
Employee - "'Blank' employee smells."
Me - "Uhm... have you talked to their manager?"
Employee - "No I don't feel comfortable."
Me - "Ok. Uhm, what do you want me to do?"
Employee - "Can you talk to them. And maybe buy some products and maybe we can build a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "The hell? Build a shower? What do you mean?"
Employee - "Last place I worked they had a shower in the breakroom."
Me - "You mean like... a locker room or changing room for bikes and stuff."
Employee - "Ya like that."
Me - "No way. Maybe we will put something out in the next office article about perfume, body odor that kind of thing."
Employee - "Ok that would be great cause right now they are using the downstairs construction bathroom large basin sink to take baths with rags."
Me - "Are you kidding?"
Employee - "No."
So I walk to the offending employees desk and it does indeed smell. But I can't figure out why. That person is not there. What smells.
I look under the desk. A pile of very neatly folded washcloths are stuck under the 3 drawer cabinet...
I sit and think. No, that's impossible, no one would leave their dirty washcloths under their own desk right?
Right?
The person comes in about 2 hours later. I walk up to them.
Me - "So I noticed that thrtr were some rags under your desk. We want to make sure those arn't there so the janitor doesn't suck them into his vacuum or throw your stuff away."
The employee looks me dead in the eye. "Oh I left them there hoping he would throw them away. They have been there for like 2 weeks."
Me - "Throw those damn things away right now."
Employee - "I don't want to touch them."
I leave and come back with two plastic sandwich bags. "Here put your fucking hands in these and pick them up."
Nasty.
I found out today. They were OUR dishrags for drying dishes off in the kitchen.
Just gross.
Chrismas Cheer
I come into work. My boss is already there.
In my head I am thinking "FUCK". All the supplies I bought last year wont work.
I gather the stuff, put together a plan, and get ready to put them out.
He walks by and stops. "Where's the Santa?" He is looking at the box of supplies.
Me - "Well Santa is sort of tied to Christmas."
Boss - "Ya. Lets get a couple stencils and things with Santa on it. Hang them from the main desk."
Me - "But still nothing with holidays or Christmas on it right?"
Boss gives me the weirdest look - "What? Oh ya. Ok whatever you think is right."
I walk off puzzled. Did he have a fucking stroke?
Two hours pass and the decorations are up. I am already behind for the day.
I ask him to take a glance at what we have up to see if he is happy.
He comes back and he is all frowny and unhappy.
Me - "What?"
Boss - "The decorations are already up?"
Me - "Ya. I thought you wanted them up. I thought you said lets get started. Then when I showed them to you..."
He has begun tapping his finger against his chin.
Me - "What?"
Boss - "I am thinking we should do some kind of policy where you can celebrate anything during this time. Whatever you want. Open it up to every religion and everything."
I am now ready to strangle him because he wants a report from me, that I would be doing right now if I wasn't fucking stapling lights to people's foreheads.
Me - "Sounds good. I will buy some more stuff and have people put it out."
Boss - "Don't we have that kind of stuff here?"
Me - "Like for other holidays at this time?"
Boss - "Ya lets ask everyone what they want. Go ahead and take all the stuff down and we will redistribute it later."
Me - .... "That's allot of shit man."
Boss has already walked off.
Case of the Missing Snacks
I hear a childish voice pipe up from the kitchen - "Ah no candy. That sucks."
I am puzzled as I had put more snacks out an hour ago. Some pretty popular snacks just like I had placed the day before.
I go to check. Sure enough the entire package is gone.
But I have a sinking suspicion this time. I check the trash. No wrapper.
I am on a mission.
I find one of the conference rooms. I walk in and the video game console is turned on. No one is in the room and the furniture is moved around.
I find the trash can and open it. Empty box of cookies.
Tech walks in.
Tech - "Hey."
Me - "Did you take the entire fucking box of cookies?"
Tech - "Ya they had been there all day yesterday and all day today so I took them."
Me - "No they are popular. People ate two boxes."
Tech - "Oh that makes sense. One time I noticed that it was emptier but when I came back there were more. I just thought someone put their cookies back."
Me - "..."
Tech - "..."
Me - "..."
Tech - ... "Do you have any more?"
Me - "No you ate the last ones."
Tech - "Tell me when you have more they are damn good."
I am puzzled as I had put more snacks out an hour ago. Some pretty popular snacks just like I had placed the day before.
I go to check. Sure enough the entire package is gone.
But I have a sinking suspicion this time. I check the trash. No wrapper.
I am on a mission.
I find one of the conference rooms. I walk in and the video game console is turned on. No one is in the room and the furniture is moved around.
I find the trash can and open it. Empty box of cookies.
Tech walks in.
Tech - "Hey."
Me - "Did you take the entire fucking box of cookies?"
Tech - "Ya they had been there all day yesterday and all day today so I took them."
Me - "No they are popular. People ate two boxes."
Tech - "Oh that makes sense. One time I noticed that it was emptier but when I came back there were more. I just thought someone put their cookies back."
Me - "..."
Tech - "..."
Me - "..."
Tech - ... "Do you have any more?"
Me - "No you ate the last ones."
Tech - "Tell me when you have more they are damn good."
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I Will Walk 500 Miles...
I walk into work yesterday and something...reeks.
I mean nasty. I am looking around trying to find out what it is. I spent like 40 minutes trying to find this nasty ass smell.
Then one of the coworkers walks passed and it dawns on me... shit, its her.
I look down to see her stained nasty ass feet that are so dusty black and dirty that they are leaving little imprints on the carpet.
Me - "We have a clothing policy. You have to have shoes, you know that."
Her - "My shoes stink"
Me - "I don't think its your shoes."
Her - "Ya it is. Its my shoes they got sweaty and they smell so I am drying them off."
Me - "Your leaving dirty marks on the carpet. Put something on. And your feet look like you walked 50 miles"
Her - "I walked most of the way in bare feet."
Me - "Well you should probably...wait....where are you drying your shoes?"
Her - In the meeting room."
I run to the meeting room. She has placed her fucking nasty ass shoes on the nearby space heater, has it turned up and its blowing stink through the room. I take them down and toss them to her.
Her - "I can't put them on yet. I haven't washed them. They smell."
Me - "Listen enough is enough. Talk to your manager and figure something out."
About 2 hours later I come to the 4th floor and walk in. The employee is nowhere to be seen.
Her manager waves me over. "Hey I sent her home to get new shoes. Thanks for talking to her."
Me - "That's fine. Its-"
The stinky employee walks in...but she has come out of the bathroom.
...
Me - "Did you wash your feet in the sink?"
Her - "I didn't want to go home."
Me - "That is the grossest thing I think I have ever heard."
I walk to the bathroom and there is jet black splashes of water all over the floor, on the sink, on the toilet just everywhere.
I tell her manager. "Have her clean the bathroom."
Manager - "That might not be the best use of her time."
Me - "Forty minutes of me cleaning up after someone who has no clue how to fucking take care of themselves. That's called a waste of time."
Manager - "Oh I understand I just don't think-"
Me - "Listen. How about this. I will call the boss up here to take a look at his bathroom. If he thinks your employee cleaning up after themselves is a waste of time, than you can."
The bathroom was promptly cleaned.
I almost tore that ladies feet off. It was the nastiest god damn thing.
I mean nasty. I am looking around trying to find out what it is. I spent like 40 minutes trying to find this nasty ass smell.
Then one of the coworkers walks passed and it dawns on me... shit, its her.
I look down to see her stained nasty ass feet that are so dusty black and dirty that they are leaving little imprints on the carpet.
Me - "We have a clothing policy. You have to have shoes, you know that."
Her - "My shoes stink"
Me - "I don't think its your shoes."
Her - "Ya it is. Its my shoes they got sweaty and they smell so I am drying them off."
Me - "Your leaving dirty marks on the carpet. Put something on. And your feet look like you walked 50 miles"
Her - "I walked most of the way in bare feet."
Me - "Well you should probably...wait....where are you drying your shoes?"
Her - In the meeting room."
I run to the meeting room. She has placed her fucking nasty ass shoes on the nearby space heater, has it turned up and its blowing stink through the room. I take them down and toss them to her.
Her - "I can't put them on yet. I haven't washed them. They smell."
Me - "Listen enough is enough. Talk to your manager and figure something out."
About 2 hours later I come to the 4th floor and walk in. The employee is nowhere to be seen.
Her manager waves me over. "Hey I sent her home to get new shoes. Thanks for talking to her."
Me - "That's fine. Its-"
The stinky employee walks in...but she has come out of the bathroom.
...
Me - "Did you wash your feet in the sink?"
Her - "I didn't want to go home."
Me - "That is the grossest thing I think I have ever heard."
I walk to the bathroom and there is jet black splashes of water all over the floor, on the sink, on the toilet just everywhere.
I tell her manager. "Have her clean the bathroom."
Manager - "That might not be the best use of her time."
Me - "Forty minutes of me cleaning up after someone who has no clue how to fucking take care of themselves. That's called a waste of time."
Manager - "Oh I understand I just don't think-"
Me - "Listen. How about this. I will call the boss up here to take a look at his bathroom. If he thinks your employee cleaning up after themselves is a waste of time, than you can."
The bathroom was promptly cleaned.
I almost tore that ladies feet off. It was the nastiest god damn thing.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wrap it up for Safety
I just remembered one from way back.
It was winter and the building ownership was taking out old insulation and putting new stuff in.
So they stacked the old stuff in a parking stall in the basement.
One of the employees from a colder state said. "Can I use the insulation to put around my car engine when I am here for late hours?"
Now I don't know enough to know if that's normal. But it wasn't that fucking cold. Snowy yes, and wet but not Antarctica cold.
I say no. I do not think it is the best idea.
But they do it anyway.
The next morning. They come to my desk.
Him - "Can I get help?"
Me - "Sure whats up?"
Him - "Remember that insulation?"
Me - "... yes... " sigh
Him - "I need help getting it out of my car."
We go down to the basement. This tard put insulation all around his engine and stuffed a good deal down near his fucking engine fan. And promptly forgot.
And started the car.
That shit was EVERYWHERE. It was in fan ducts, blown out into about 8000 pieces into the basement.
It looked like 5,000 stuffed animals had committed suicide all at once.
We spent HOURS cleaning it.
And it still didn't matter. Burning insulation every time he drives it. (which I think is cancer causing)
Fuck it.
It was winter and the building ownership was taking out old insulation and putting new stuff in.
So they stacked the old stuff in a parking stall in the basement.
One of the employees from a colder state said. "Can I use the insulation to put around my car engine when I am here for late hours?"
Now I don't know enough to know if that's normal. But it wasn't that fucking cold. Snowy yes, and wet but not Antarctica cold.
I say no. I do not think it is the best idea.
But they do it anyway.
The next morning. They come to my desk.
Him - "Can I get help?"
Me - "Sure whats up?"
Him - "Remember that insulation?"
Me - "... yes... " sigh
Him - "I need help getting it out of my car."
We go down to the basement. This tard put insulation all around his engine and stuffed a good deal down near his fucking engine fan. And promptly forgot.
And started the car.
That shit was EVERYWHERE. It was in fan ducts, blown out into about 8000 pieces into the basement.
It looked like 5,000 stuffed animals had committed suicide all at once.
We spent HOURS cleaning it.
And it still didn't matter. Burning insulation every time he drives it. (which I think is cancer causing)
Fuck it.
The Gate to Nowhere
Because no one got hurt I will post this one. Its just stupid dangerous.
We have roof mounted mesh door for our driveway so that we can lock it after hours, you know the ones that slid up and down.
One of the employees comes to me one morning.
Her - "I have a problem"
Me - "Ya?"
Her - "I hit the gate downstairs with my car."
Me - "Lets go look."
So we go downstairs and see, that she has not only hit the sliding mesh but much of it is hanging over her car. I call building management who shows up.
Me - "So what happened."
Her - "Well I tapped it and it didn't open. So I tapped it again a couple of times."
Me - "Why did you tap it."
Her - "I thought it was pressure sensitive."
Me - "Pressure sensitive means car weight. You don't tap it, it senses that you are parked on a spot and it opens the door."
Her - "Oh."
Me - "And the big sign that says "Push button on remote" is there to show people that they have to use the remote to get it to open."
Her - "I thought it meant something on the door itself."
I look at the sign. Which shows a keychain and a big finger pressing a button.
Me - "Uh...huh."
Her - "Well I need to call the owner of the other car."
Me - "Say WHAT?"
Her - "Well I tried to park and scratched another car."
So I follow her to her car, and the bit of the mesh that is stuck out the side of the car had scrapped down the side of another car.
It looked like the other car had sideswiped a fucking rhino.
Her - "Do you think building maintenance will pay for the damage."
Me - "No... not likely. "
We have roof mounted mesh door for our driveway so that we can lock it after hours, you know the ones that slid up and down.
One of the employees comes to me one morning.
Her - "I have a problem"
Me - "Ya?"
Her - "I hit the gate downstairs with my car."
Me - "Lets go look."
So we go downstairs and see, that she has not only hit the sliding mesh but much of it is hanging over her car. I call building management who shows up.
Me - "So what happened."
Her - "Well I tapped it and it didn't open. So I tapped it again a couple of times."
Me - "Why did you tap it."
Her - "I thought it was pressure sensitive."
Me - "Pressure sensitive means car weight. You don't tap it, it senses that you are parked on a spot and it opens the door."
Her - "Oh."
Me - "And the big sign that says "Push button on remote" is there to show people that they have to use the remote to get it to open."
Her - "I thought it meant something on the door itself."
I look at the sign. Which shows a keychain and a big finger pressing a button.
Me - "Uh...huh."
Her - "Well I need to call the owner of the other car."
Me - "Say WHAT?"
Her - "Well I tried to park and scratched another car."
So I follow her to her car, and the bit of the mesh that is stuck out the side of the car had scrapped down the side of another car.
It looked like the other car had sideswiped a fucking rhino.
Her - "Do you think building maintenance will pay for the damage."
Me - "No... not likely. "
Wedding Day Congratulations
Boss calls me on my wedding day
Boss - "I just want to say congrats. It's wonderful"
Me - "Thanks. That's very nice of you."
Boss - "So are you enjoying it?"
Me - "I get married at 4pm so right now we are just setting up and that kind of Jazz."
Boss - "Hahaha. I love Jazz. That's a good choice of music."
Me - "What... no. Sorry its just a saying. We aren't playing Jazz."
Boss - "...So I have an idea."
Me - "Ok."
Boss - "What if we worked on a revolving parking program for employees. A thing where they can have some kind of drawing and such?"
Me - "...Well I don't have my computer with me at the CHURCH. Lets talk about it tomorrow. Sounds like a good idea."
Boss - "Ya that's what I thought. I don't want the same people winning you know. Every month that would be bad. But some kind of revolving thing. Where people win-"
Music playing in background interrupts him.
Boss - "What was that?"
Me - "Just the music for the practice for my almost wife."
Boss - "So anyway can we-"
Me - "Do you think I can call you later? They are asking for me"
Boss - "Sure sorry ya. Again congrats on the wedding."
Me - "No problem."
Boss - "Ok well I will let you go. Why don't you just give me a call tonight when your done?"
Me - "When I am done getting...married?"
Boss - "That's today?!"
me - "Yes. That's why I am not at work."
Boss - "I thought it was the rehearsal."
Me - "No. I have today off and tomorrow I will be in."
Boss - "That explains why my admin assistance didn't want me to call you today."
Me - "Ya probably..."
Boss - "K bye."
Boss - "I just want to say congrats. It's wonderful"
Me - "Thanks. That's very nice of you."
Boss - "So are you enjoying it?"
Me - "I get married at 4pm so right now we are just setting up and that kind of Jazz."
Boss - "Hahaha. I love Jazz. That's a good choice of music."
Me - "What... no. Sorry its just a saying. We aren't playing Jazz."
Boss - "...So I have an idea."
Me - "Ok."
Boss - "What if we worked on a revolving parking program for employees. A thing where they can have some kind of drawing and such?"
Me - "...Well I don't have my computer with me at the CHURCH. Lets talk about it tomorrow. Sounds like a good idea."
Boss - "Ya that's what I thought. I don't want the same people winning you know. Every month that would be bad. But some kind of revolving thing. Where people win-"
Music playing in background interrupts him.
Boss - "What was that?"
Me - "Just the music for the practice for my almost wife."
Boss - "So anyway can we-"
Me - "Do you think I can call you later? They are asking for me"
Boss - "Sure sorry ya. Again congrats on the wedding."
Me - "No problem."
Boss - "Ok well I will let you go. Why don't you just give me a call tonight when your done?"
Me - "When I am done getting...married?"
Boss - "That's today?!"
me - "Yes. That's why I am not at work."
Boss - "I thought it was the rehearsal."
Me - "No. I have today off and tomorrow I will be in."
Boss - "That explains why my admin assistance didn't want me to call you today."
Me - "Ya probably..."
Boss - "K bye."
Send in the Support
This one has me not only boggled but just pissed.
I get a ticket to assist someone with computer problems through our software program. Very detailed, well written and described.
But at the end it states.
"How do I report computer problems like this?"
Me - "You just did. This system is for that. And we will send someone to get you help."
Response - "Thanks, your a godsend. But if I have a problem in the future how do I get help?"
Me - "When you fill out a ticket, you are asking for help. This system is for that. And the person should be there in a moment."
Response - "Thank you very much. They are here right now. It's so nice to get help so quickly thanks. When reporting issues, should i just email or use the ticket program?"
Me - "Use the ticket program."
Response...and I am not shitting you. "How is that?"
Me - "How is what?"
Response - "How do I get to it?"
Me - "How did you report the original problem?"
Response - "I created a ticket in the software."
Me - "Ok. That's how you do it. Looks like you did everything fine."
Response - "Oh ok I understand now sorry. I am not good with computers as you know. I just thought I should be using a program or something for this..."
Me - "Yep that is correct. The program you are using is fine."
Response - "Ok. Thanks very much the problems have been fixed. And whenever you can have someone train me on the reporting program that would be great!"
Me... what the fuck.
I still don't have any clue what this person is not getting.
I get a ticket to assist someone with computer problems through our software program. Very detailed, well written and described.
But at the end it states.
"How do I report computer problems like this?"
Me - "You just did. This system is for that. And we will send someone to get you help."
Response - "Thanks, your a godsend. But if I have a problem in the future how do I get help?"
Me - "When you fill out a ticket, you are asking for help. This system is for that. And the person should be there in a moment."
Response - "Thank you very much. They are here right now. It's so nice to get help so quickly thanks. When reporting issues, should i just email or use the ticket program?"
Me - "Use the ticket program."
Response...and I am not shitting you. "How is that?"
Me - "How is what?"
Response - "How do I get to it?"
Me - "How did you report the original problem?"
Response - "I created a ticket in the software."
Me - "Ok. That's how you do it. Looks like you did everything fine."
Response - "Oh ok I understand now sorry. I am not good with computers as you know. I just thought I should be using a program or something for this..."
Me - "Yep that is correct. The program you are using is fine."
Response - "Ok. Thanks very much the problems have been fixed. And whenever you can have someone train me on the reporting program that would be great!"
Me... what the fuck.
I still don't have any clue what this person is not getting.
Case of the Missing Mini Fridge
I come into work on a Monday
One of the mini fridges is GONE.
GONE.
Just not there.
Hmmm.
I begin looking for it.
I find it in one of the game rooms.
I look at the checkout of the room and find out the last person who had it.
Me - "Did you move the mini fridge into the gameroom?"
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "Why?"
Employee - "We were playing games and had pop and some other stuff to keep cold."
Me - ... "Why didn't you use the fridge... already in the game room?"
Employee - "..."
Me - "Did you know there was one?"
Employee - "Sorry"
So I move the mini fridge. Boss sees me.
Boss - "Why are you moving the mini fridge."
Me - "Someone moved it into the game room."
Boss - "Oh. For a party or something?"
Me - "Ya"
Boss - "Oh ok..." Walks about 10 feet away turns back around.
Boss - "Maybe we should get one for that room."
Me - "..." I shake my head.
Boss - "There is already one in there isn't there."
Me - "Yes."
Boss - "Gotcha"
Shoots me a thumbs up and walks off.
I get an email about 15 minutes later from the boss. Copied from his email.
"Maybe we should get a bigger fridge for the game room. If people are using it for that kind of thing. A larger fridge with a freezer, or at least freezer drawers? That way we could stop people from doing this and they would have the equipment they needed."
My entire email response:
"No."
One of the mini fridges is GONE.
GONE.
Just not there.
Hmmm.
I begin looking for it.
I find it in one of the game rooms.
I look at the checkout of the room and find out the last person who had it.
Me - "Did you move the mini fridge into the gameroom?"
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "Why?"
Employee - "We were playing games and had pop and some other stuff to keep cold."
Me - ... "Why didn't you use the fridge... already in the game room?"
Employee - "..."
Me - "Did you know there was one?"
Employee - "Sorry"
So I move the mini fridge. Boss sees me.
Boss - "Why are you moving the mini fridge."
Me - "Someone moved it into the game room."
Boss - "Oh. For a party or something?"
Me - "Ya"
Boss - "Oh ok..." Walks about 10 feet away turns back around.
Boss - "Maybe we should get one for that room."
Me - "..." I shake my head.
Boss - "There is already one in there isn't there."
Me - "Yes."
Boss - "Gotcha"
Shoots me a thumbs up and walks off.
I get an email about 15 minutes later from the boss. Copied from his email.
"Maybe we should get a bigger fridge for the game room. If people are using it for that kind of thing. A larger fridge with a freezer, or at least freezer drawers? That way we could stop people from doing this and they would have the equipment they needed."
My entire email response:
"No."
Indecisive Boss
Boss calls me, "Lets buy that new Rockband game for the Wii."
Me - "Ok."
I see the price later.
Me - "Hey boss, the price is pretty damn high. I can get it but I wanted you to know."
Boss - "Price isn't a big deal, lets get it and maybe do some talent shows and stuff."
Me - "Copy, great. I am getting it."
Cut to the next day.
Boss calls me.
Boss - "That game was expensive."
Me - "I know. That's why I called you."
Boss - "Did you get it already?"
Me - "... ya... that's why I called you from the store... getting ready to buy it..."
Boss - "Lets take it back."
Me - "Ok."
Cut to 2 hours later
My cell rings...his number pops up.
Me - "Hello."
Boss - "Hey did you return that game."
Me - "Yep just got done with customer service."
Boss - "Well its ok to get it. I was looking at the wrong purchase. I was looking at the CD's you got."
Me - "Those were 40.00..."
Boss - "Ya. I was looking at the wrong stuff."
Me - "But this is like 200.00"
Boss - "Ya that's cool go ahead and get it."
Fuck
Next day
Boss - "Lets take the TV down in the one room, put it into the other room, then take that TV sell it to the employees and then buy another one for the original room."
Me - "For gods sake why?"
Boss - "It's not big enough."
Me - "It's a 60 inch"
Boss - "Ya get a 70 or something."
I do the work.
Boss comes in. "That's a big tv in the room."
Me - "Ya its a 70 inch"
Boss - "Hmmm..."
Me - "What?"
Boss - "I think it may be too big for where it is."
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
Me - "..."
Boss - "...no maybe its fine."
Me - "ya...maybe."
He leaves.
Me - "Ok."
I see the price later.
Me - "Hey boss, the price is pretty damn high. I can get it but I wanted you to know."
Boss - "Price isn't a big deal, lets get it and maybe do some talent shows and stuff."
Me - "Copy, great. I am getting it."
Cut to the next day.
Boss calls me.
Boss - "That game was expensive."
Me - "I know. That's why I called you."
Boss - "Did you get it already?"
Me - "... ya... that's why I called you from the store... getting ready to buy it..."
Boss - "Lets take it back."
Me - "Ok."
Cut to 2 hours later
My cell rings...his number pops up.
Me - "Hello."
Boss - "Hey did you return that game."
Me - "Yep just got done with customer service."
Boss - "Well its ok to get it. I was looking at the wrong purchase. I was looking at the CD's you got."
Me - "Those were 40.00..."
Boss - "Ya. I was looking at the wrong stuff."
Me - "But this is like 200.00"
Boss - "Ya that's cool go ahead and get it."
Fuck
Next day
Boss - "Lets take the TV down in the one room, put it into the other room, then take that TV sell it to the employees and then buy another one for the original room."
Me - "For gods sake why?"
Boss - "It's not big enough."
Me - "It's a 60 inch"
Boss - "Ya get a 70 or something."
I do the work.
Boss comes in. "That's a big tv in the room."
Me - "Ya its a 70 inch"
Boss - "Hmmm..."
Me - "What?"
Boss - "I think it may be too big for where it is."
Me - "..."
Boss - "..."
Me - "..."
Boss - "...no maybe its fine."
Me - "ya...maybe."
He leaves.
Child at Heart
We had a party a couple days ago, and the fucking people won't throw away their party supplies. I keep warning them to toss them. It will rot. Employees say "...oh ya we will get to it."
I am sitting at my desk.
Crash!
I walk to the kitchen, and someone decided to slam the fridge door about 40 times rather than check to see what was stopping the door from shutting. And the tray of rotten delight promptly fell to the floor.
The sharp tang of fucking rotten cheese erupts.
I toss them a towel. "Clean it up."
They look at me like I am batshit crazy. "I am not cleaning that up."
Me - "Do it now. You caused this, you clean it up. And don't crush stuff in the fridge. Get some god damn respect."
I walk away.
About 10 minutes later I see the same employee with the end of a broom (Brush missing) walk by.
FUCK
I walk into the kitchen.
The employee has a towel wrapped around the broom and is sweeping cheese bits into all the crevices rather than clean it up.
I grab the broom. "Have you ever cleaned anything in your life?"
Employee- "I do not need to be talked to that way."
Me - "You have no respect for other people's stuff, you have no respect for cleaning up after yourself. Only a child does that. So let me clean it for you child."
She walks off.
Boss calls me in a bit later. "So...did you call so and so a child?"
Me - "Yep."
Boss - "Well they are so that's fine. But next time don't clean it up for them."
Me - "And let rotten cheese sit in the cracks of the kitchen?"
Boss - "....ya that's probably not going to work. Ok good job."
I am sitting at my desk.
Crash!
I walk to the kitchen, and someone decided to slam the fridge door about 40 times rather than check to see what was stopping the door from shutting. And the tray of rotten delight promptly fell to the floor.
The sharp tang of fucking rotten cheese erupts.
I toss them a towel. "Clean it up."
They look at me like I am batshit crazy. "I am not cleaning that up."
Me - "Do it now. You caused this, you clean it up. And don't crush stuff in the fridge. Get some god damn respect."
I walk away.
About 10 minutes later I see the same employee with the end of a broom (Brush missing) walk by.
FUCK
I walk into the kitchen.
The employee has a towel wrapped around the broom and is sweeping cheese bits into all the crevices rather than clean it up.
I grab the broom. "Have you ever cleaned anything in your life?"
Employee- "I do not need to be talked to that way."
Me - "You have no respect for other people's stuff, you have no respect for cleaning up after yourself. Only a child does that. So let me clean it for you child."
She walks off.
Boss calls me in a bit later. "So...did you call so and so a child?"
Me - "Yep."
Boss - "Well they are so that's fine. But next time don't clean it up for them."
Me - "And let rotten cheese sit in the cracks of the kitchen?"
Boss - "....ya that's probably not going to work. Ok good job."
Printing Genius
So...I am sitting at my desk on the first break I have had for maybe 2 weeks.
Employee comes up.
Her - "Oh your talking about movies, I can interrupt then."
Me - "Yep I am on my break."
Her - "So I can't print..."
Laughter from coworkers.
Me - "Well what error comes up?"
Her - "Nothing. It says hit the IP button. and there isn't one."
Me - "It's right next to the printer icon."
Her - "No."
So I go to her desk and point at the IP button. "There it is."
Her - "It wasn't there a second ago."
Me - "The button?"
Her - "Ya"
Me - "Well its a hard coded button into all the computers."
Her - "Ya wasn't there."
Me - "Click it."
Her - "Ok it works."
I go sit down.
2 minutes later she walks by. "It's not printing. I don't know whats wrong."
I walk to her desk.
Error in a massive box on her screen. "Printer out of paper"
Me - "That's probably your problem."
Her - "Ya I didn't read that."
I walk off.
Employee comes up.
Her - "Oh your talking about movies, I can interrupt then."
Me - "Yep I am on my break."
Her - "So I can't print..."
Laughter from coworkers.
Me - "Well what error comes up?"
Her - "Nothing. It says hit the IP button. and there isn't one."
Me - "It's right next to the printer icon."
Her - "No."
So I go to her desk and point at the IP button. "There it is."
Her - "It wasn't there a second ago."
Me - "The button?"
Her - "Ya"
Me - "Well its a hard coded button into all the computers."
Her - "Ya wasn't there."
Me - "Click it."
Her - "Ok it works."
I go sit down.
2 minutes later she walks by. "It's not printing. I don't know whats wrong."
I walk to her desk.
Error in a massive box on her screen. "Printer out of paper"
Me - "That's probably your problem."
Her - "Ya I didn't read that."
I walk off.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Cubicle Theatre
Last one for the day.
My coworker comes to me and says - "You better go look in the A/V room. Somebody is doing something stupid."
I have just got back from working out. I am tired but I figure...hell how bad can it be?
I go to look. Expecting...well who knows.
I open the door to see two of our most pasty skinned employees. Standing on the table...but that's not all, on the rickety table they have a WHEELED chair. And one is standing on that, and the other is trying to hold it as it shakes.
Me - "Jezuz. Come on guys the boss will freak get down."
Employees - grumble grumble
They get down.
Me - "What the hell were you trying to do?"
Employee 1 - "We wanted to watch a movie."
Me - "Just put one in!"
Employee - "At our desk."
Me...looking at the MOUNTED projector - "It's mounted...and its a projector. You can't play it at your desks. You wouldn't be able to see it."
Employee 1 - "...."
Employee 2 - "...."
Something begins to trouble me. Our Janitor has been trying to call me. 3 times...he rarely calls but I did not have the time to call him back.
Me - "If you want to watch a movie do it in here"
Employee 1 - "K!"
Employee 2 - "Ok thanks."
They rushed off a bit faster than I am accustomed to them moving.
I call the janitor.
Seems these two had tried to talk him into turning ALL the lights off on the level so they could watch the movie at their desks. In fact, they had a whole shitload of food and random crap to eat and speakers to plug into the projector and blankets to cover the windows and like little rednecks they had nails and hammers to HAMMER the nails into the walls to hold the blankets.
The strange thing. Their cubicles are basically little boxes, the A/V room is a huge amazing room with a couch, chairs and a bose sound system.
Nerds.
Got to love em.
My coworker comes to me and says - "You better go look in the A/V room. Somebody is doing something stupid."
I have just got back from working out. I am tired but I figure...hell how bad can it be?
I go to look. Expecting...well who knows.
I open the door to see two of our most pasty skinned employees. Standing on the table...but that's not all, on the rickety table they have a WHEELED chair. And one is standing on that, and the other is trying to hold it as it shakes.
Me - "Jezuz. Come on guys the boss will freak get down."
Employees - grumble grumble
They get down.
Me - "What the hell were you trying to do?"
Employee 1 - "We wanted to watch a movie."
Me - "Just put one in!"
Employee - "At our desk."
Me...looking at the MOUNTED projector - "It's mounted...and its a projector. You can't play it at your desks. You wouldn't be able to see it."
Employee 1 - "...."
Employee 2 - "...."
Something begins to trouble me. Our Janitor has been trying to call me. 3 times...he rarely calls but I did not have the time to call him back.
Me - "If you want to watch a movie do it in here"
Employee 1 - "K!"
Employee 2 - "Ok thanks."
They rushed off a bit faster than I am accustomed to them moving.
I call the janitor.
Seems these two had tried to talk him into turning ALL the lights off on the level so they could watch the movie at their desks. In fact, they had a whole shitload of food and random crap to eat and speakers to plug into the projector and blankets to cover the windows and like little rednecks they had nails and hammers to HAMMER the nails into the walls to hold the blankets.
The strange thing. Their cubicles are basically little boxes, the A/V room is a huge amazing room with a couch, chairs and a bose sound system.
Nerds.
Got to love em.
Return of the Chicken
My Revenge:
So this morning. I walk past the cubicle of the employee bitching about the recycling box not being compost like they thought. They are STILL bitching about me telling them off.
So I promptly went to our garbage, found the bag I put that chicken in last night. Had our receptionist make a awesome looking Greeting Card that said "I was thrown into the recycling by someone who was not intelligent enough to follow directions. Does anyone want to adopt me?"
And put it on the breakroom table.
Ha.
I can here that employee in there right now. Throwing it away.
Good times.
Later:
My boss just walked by.
Him - "Did you put up that greeting card?"
Me - "Yep"
Him - "Awesome."
He gave me a high five and a 20 dollar gift card to our theaters.
I love that gentle tard.
So this morning. I walk past the cubicle of the employee bitching about the recycling box not being compost like they thought. They are STILL bitching about me telling them off.
So I promptly went to our garbage, found the bag I put that chicken in last night. Had our receptionist make a awesome looking Greeting Card that said "I was thrown into the recycling by someone who was not intelligent enough to follow directions. Does anyone want to adopt me?"
And put it on the breakroom table.
Ha.
I can here that employee in there right now. Throwing it away.
Good times.
Later:
My boss just walked by.
Him - "Did you put up that greeting card?"
Me - "Yep"
Him - "Awesome."
He gave me a high five and a 20 dollar gift card to our theaters.
I love that gentle tard.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Recycled Chicken
I am at lunch.
I see fellow employees.
I sit down and we begin talking.
Not so smart employee #1 - "I noticed that the sink in our office wasn't draining."
Me - "Did you try the disposal?"
Employee - "Ug no I don't use those."
Me - "Why?"
Employee - "Too much energy is used. I just put my stuff in the compost."
Me - "That makes sense...wait, we don't have a compost."
Employee - "It looks like one."
Me - "What looks like one?"
Employee - "That bag behind the shelf. It's always got stuff in it."
Me...thinking hard. "The fucking cardboard recycle bag?"
Employee shrugs - "I don't know I didn't look."
Me - "It's not even in the kitchen!"
I get back to site. Yep. There is food of ALL kinds in the very very clearly identified "CARDBOARD RECYCLING" cubicle.
I call cleaning.
And I then realize that I have had four complaints of a strange smell coming from that area.
That would be the fucking chicken that was under an old packing box.
What a shithat.
I see fellow employees.
I sit down and we begin talking.
Not so smart employee #1 - "I noticed that the sink in our office wasn't draining."
Me - "Did you try the disposal?"
Employee - "Ug no I don't use those."
Me - "Why?"
Employee - "Too much energy is used. I just put my stuff in the compost."
Me - "That makes sense...wait, we don't have a compost."
Employee - "It looks like one."
Me - "What looks like one?"
Employee - "That bag behind the shelf. It's always got stuff in it."
Me...thinking hard. "The fucking cardboard recycle bag?"
Employee shrugs - "I don't know I didn't look."
Me - "It's not even in the kitchen!"
I get back to site. Yep. There is food of ALL kinds in the very very clearly identified "CARDBOARD RECYCLING" cubicle.
I call cleaning.
And I then realize that I have had four complaints of a strange smell coming from that area.
That would be the fucking chicken that was under an old packing box.
What a shithat.
Waterpark Adventures
Here goes.
"Boom splash" The sound of something horrible comes from the kitchen at work.
I go in.
Employee #1 stands there covered in water. The new water filter spraying everywhere.
I rush to turn it off.
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "I wanted filtered water so I pushed the button."
Me - "What button?"
Employee - "That one"
She points in the general direction of the filter...or maybe the sink.
I look over and see an indicator for filtered and unfiltered and a switch for both. No button. Then I look behind it, on the opposite side, hidden, unlike the FILTERED and UNFILTERED switch, is a small button.
The hidden button reads "Eject Filter"
Me -"This one?" I point.
Employee - "Ya that one."
Me - "These two say filtered and unfiltered its a switch."
Employee - "I didn't think to read them."
I walk away.
Hours go by.
Phone rings.
Me - "How can I help you?"
Employee #2 - "The power is off in my cubicle"
Me - "Ok I will be right there."
I hear coworkers chuckling as they have come to expect weirdness.
I go to the employee's desk. Everything is off, lights, goldfish bowl, computer. Digital phone works but they get there power from the outlets we use.
Me - "What happened"
Her - "I don't know I was just working on a document and everything shut off."
Me - "Ok let me look"
Now a bit of history, just 2 weeks ago this same employee decided to go barefoot for the day at her desk and shut off the power strip with her big toe. That caused me 15 minutes of my life.
So I figure...maybe that. So I go under the desk.
And place my hand firmly in a 1/4 inch of water.
Me - "What the jebus!"
Employee "What?"
Me - "There is water down here. It's all over"
I see a puddle of about 3-4 feet. A wet spot on the carpet. I unplug the power strip which leaks water out of the fucking plug-ins itself and get the hell out of the water.
I stand up. My eyes roll to the fish tank.
"Fuck" I whisper.
Employee - "What?"
Me - "Nothing....so does your fish tank leak?"
Employee - "Nope. Well it is hot so the water has been evaporating faster than normal. It's low sometimes."
Me - "Do you pour water into it?"
Employee - "Ya I did today."
Me - "Just once?"
Employee - ... "It's been hot."
Me - "So more than once?"
Employee - ... "Ya like four or five times."
Good fucking god!
It's a wonder she didn't blow the entire wall outlet.
I replace the outlet, call some people to clean it.
I come back.
"The fish tank is leaking. You should probably replace it. But no matter what you need to fix it."
I shit you not less than two hours later she was using the fucking coffee maker's coffee pot. Three little nasty goldfish. Now we have a couple extra ones of these so...I guess its not like we will be using it tomorrow but still. What a dicktard.
I tell the boss.
He says "... Again."
I walk out.
"Boom splash" The sound of something horrible comes from the kitchen at work.
I go in.
Employee #1 stands there covered in water. The new water filter spraying everywhere.
I rush to turn it off.
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "I wanted filtered water so I pushed the button."
Me - "What button?"
Employee - "That one"
She points in the general direction of the filter...or maybe the sink.
I look over and see an indicator for filtered and unfiltered and a switch for both. No button. Then I look behind it, on the opposite side, hidden, unlike the FILTERED and UNFILTERED switch, is a small button.
The hidden button reads "Eject Filter"
Me -"This one?" I point.
Employee - "Ya that one."
Me - "These two say filtered and unfiltered its a switch."
Employee - "I didn't think to read them."
I walk away.
Hours go by.
Phone rings.
Me - "How can I help you?"
Employee #2 - "The power is off in my cubicle"
Me - "Ok I will be right there."
I hear coworkers chuckling as they have come to expect weirdness.
I go to the employee's desk. Everything is off, lights, goldfish bowl, computer. Digital phone works but they get there power from the outlets we use.
Me - "What happened"
Her - "I don't know I was just working on a document and everything shut off."
Me - "Ok let me look"
Now a bit of history, just 2 weeks ago this same employee decided to go barefoot for the day at her desk and shut off the power strip with her big toe. That caused me 15 minutes of my life.
So I figure...maybe that. So I go under the desk.
And place my hand firmly in a 1/4 inch of water.
Me - "What the jebus!"
Employee "What?"
Me - "There is water down here. It's all over"
I see a puddle of about 3-4 feet. A wet spot on the carpet. I unplug the power strip which leaks water out of the fucking plug-ins itself and get the hell out of the water.
I stand up. My eyes roll to the fish tank.
"Fuck" I whisper.
Employee - "What?"
Me - "Nothing....so does your fish tank leak?"
Employee - "Nope. Well it is hot so the water has been evaporating faster than normal. It's low sometimes."
Me - "Do you pour water into it?"
Employee - "Ya I did today."
Me - "Just once?"
Employee - ... "It's been hot."
Me - "So more than once?"
Employee - ... "Ya like four or five times."
Good fucking god!
It's a wonder she didn't blow the entire wall outlet.
I replace the outlet, call some people to clean it.
I come back.
"The fish tank is leaking. You should probably replace it. But no matter what you need to fix it."
I shit you not less than two hours later she was using the fucking coffee maker's coffee pot. Three little nasty goldfish. Now we have a couple extra ones of these so...I guess its not like we will be using it tomorrow but still. What a dicktard.
I tell the boss.
He says "... Again."
I walk out.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Whitewash the Server Room
Another cool one from this morning.
The tech asked for help with inventory so I sent one of my people, a normally dependable person with him.
They keep coming back looking for more asset tags.
Keep coming back.
Needing more.
For a small room.
I try to ignore it but I can't.
Employee - "Can I have some more tags."
Me - "No gawd dammit. You have over 350. How could you use that many?"
Employee shrugs. "Lots of stuff."
Me - "Fuck that."
I go into the room. The tech is busy with an emergency and left this kid with instructions to asset stuff.
Oh he has, he has begun by sticking asset tags on the computers, and their video cards, the fucking power supplies, vga cables, and the empty boxes the hard drives were in, the racks, the memory boxes, the hard rives and their wires.
Basically...everything.
Everything. Little white barcode tags are dotting half the room like someone flicked paint on everything.
The best part, the kid barcoded the barcode reader (he didn't know thats what it was).
The tech comes in and sees what has happened.
Tech - "What the fuck?"
Me - "Did you tell him to asset everything?"
Tech - "..."
Me - "That's what I thought."
So now the kid is in there tearing off asset tags from everything. Even the god damn video card he got ahold of.
And I ask the tech why he had to leave.
Tech - "Some random employee thought the AC was too loud for their meeting and when they could not find the switch they saw the AC for the server room and thought it fed the others and unplugged the secondary unit."
Good times.
The tech asked for help with inventory so I sent one of my people, a normally dependable person with him.
They keep coming back looking for more asset tags.
Keep coming back.
Needing more.
For a small room.
I try to ignore it but I can't.
Employee - "Can I have some more tags."
Me - "No gawd dammit. You have over 350. How could you use that many?"
Employee shrugs. "Lots of stuff."
Me - "Fuck that."
I go into the room. The tech is busy with an emergency and left this kid with instructions to asset stuff.
Oh he has, he has begun by sticking asset tags on the computers, and their video cards, the fucking power supplies, vga cables, and the empty boxes the hard drives were in, the racks, the memory boxes, the hard rives and their wires.
Basically...everything.
Everything. Little white barcode tags are dotting half the room like someone flicked paint on everything.
The best part, the kid barcoded the barcode reader (he didn't know thats what it was).
The tech comes in and sees what has happened.
Tech - "What the fuck?"
Me - "Did you tell him to asset everything?"
Tech - "..."
Me - "That's what I thought."
So now the kid is in there tearing off asset tags from everything. Even the god damn video card he got ahold of.
And I ask the tech why he had to leave.
Tech - "Some random employee thought the AC was too loud for their meeting and when they could not find the switch they saw the AC for the server room and thought it fed the others and unplugged the secondary unit."
Good times.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Case of the Missing Batteries
I come into the office one Monday morning.
ALL the batteries are gone from all the remotes, from the bosses remote/laser pointer and from two wireless mice.
I already know what the fuck happened.
I go down to the video room and the Wii is out and all the remotes are sitting there.
Batteries from all of the employees are there.
I find the employee I know did it.
Me - "Why did you take the batteries"
Employee - "My friends were here and we wanted to play the Wii."
Me - "First of all its not your stuff, second you can't bring friends in on the weekends. And why is the log not signed out for the room"
Employee - "I didn't want anyone to know that they were here."
Me - "Obviously...but why?"
Employee - "Well two of them have got in a lot of trouble with the law for stealing."
Sigh.
ALL the batteries are gone from all the remotes, from the bosses remote/laser pointer and from two wireless mice.
I already know what the fuck happened.
I go down to the video room and the Wii is out and all the remotes are sitting there.
Batteries from all of the employees are there.
I find the employee I know did it.
Me - "Why did you take the batteries"
Employee - "My friends were here and we wanted to play the Wii."
Me - "First of all its not your stuff, second you can't bring friends in on the weekends. And why is the log not signed out for the room"
Employee - "I didn't want anyone to know that they were here."
Me - "Obviously...but why?"
Employee - "Well two of them have got in a lot of trouble with the law for stealing."
Sigh.
The Little Goldfish That Could
And another gem.
I hear a spoon being mulched by the garbage disposal.
So I go to the kitchen.
No one.
The disposal is barely running and in safe mode a little audible alarm going off.
I come to it, unplug it and remove a very warped and bent fork.
Employee is no where to be seen.
Hmmmm.
I go sit down.
"Hey why won't the disposal work." I hear someone yell.
I get up and walk over.
Me - "There was a fork in it, I unplugged it."
Employee - "That was mine. I was cleaning my beta fish bowl and the glass marbles fell down the drain."
Me - "With a fork?"
Employee - "I was using the fork to get them out."
I now notice what the employee has in their hand.
The wet/dry vacuum.
Me - "You were NOT going to try to vacuum the marbles out were you?"
Employee - "No...."
They stand there.
I stand there.
10 seconds of them standing there.
Employee - "Its a wet/dry."
Me - "I am calling someone don't touch it."
Employee - "ok"
I call the plumber who comes in.
The fucking employee had dropped the beta fish in there. And aside from a torn fin he was alive!
That fucker was going to fork that fish out, then wet vac him out.
Well... I guess he was trying.
Followup:
Mc Scrappy Pants is now on my desk.
I don't care if we are not supposed to have shit like this at our desk.
I saved the little bugger he is mine.
I hear a spoon being mulched by the garbage disposal.
So I go to the kitchen.
No one.
The disposal is barely running and in safe mode a little audible alarm going off.
I come to it, unplug it and remove a very warped and bent fork.
Employee is no where to be seen.
Hmmmm.
I go sit down.
"Hey why won't the disposal work." I hear someone yell.
I get up and walk over.
Me - "There was a fork in it, I unplugged it."
Employee - "That was mine. I was cleaning my beta fish bowl and the glass marbles fell down the drain."
Me - "With a fork?"
Employee - "I was using the fork to get them out."
I now notice what the employee has in their hand.
The wet/dry vacuum.
Me - "You were NOT going to try to vacuum the marbles out were you?"
Employee - "No...."
They stand there.
I stand there.
10 seconds of them standing there.
Employee - "Its a wet/dry."
Me - "I am calling someone don't touch it."
Employee - "ok"
I call the plumber who comes in.
The fucking employee had dropped the beta fish in there. And aside from a torn fin he was alive!
That fucker was going to fork that fish out, then wet vac him out.
Well... I guess he was trying.
Followup:
Mc Scrappy Pants is now on my desk.
I don't care if we are not supposed to have shit like this at our desk.
I saved the little bugger he is mine.
Brighter Than the Sun
I am walking to lunch. Its time to eat and my brain is on a burrito.
I come down the stairs. The boss is heading up the stairs
Boss - "Do you have a minute?"
Me - "Oh sure"
We walk up 3 flights of stairs to the conference room. He points at the conference projector.
Boss - "It's not super bright."
Me - "We don't have shades on the room, remember that's what I asked for but you said no."
Boss - "Ya but I thought the projector would be brighter."
Me - "I can get some shades"
Boss - "Can you look into a different projector...?"
Me - "..."
Boss - "because it should be brighter."
Me - "It can't beat the sun..."
Boss - "Oh I know but see if you can get a newer one."
Mind you this is less than 6 months old.
Me - "I don't agree with it but sure."
Boss - "Ok thanks."
I go and eat my lunch.
The cell rings.
Boss - "Did you order a projector yet."
Me - "I am at lunch. That's why I was outside when you stopped me."
Boss - "So...if you haven't then don't. Why don't we get blinds that would be cheaper and-"
I hung up.
I come down the stairs. The boss is heading up the stairs
Boss - "Do you have a minute?"
Me - "Oh sure"
We walk up 3 flights of stairs to the conference room. He points at the conference projector.
Boss - "It's not super bright."
Me - "We don't have shades on the room, remember that's what I asked for but you said no."
Boss - "Ya but I thought the projector would be brighter."
Me - "I can get some shades"
Boss - "Can you look into a different projector...?"
Me - "..."
Boss - "because it should be brighter."
Me - "It can't beat the sun..."
Boss - "Oh I know but see if you can get a newer one."
Mind you this is less than 6 months old.
Me - "I don't agree with it but sure."
Boss - "Ok thanks."
I go and eat my lunch.
The cell rings.
Boss - "Did you order a projector yet."
Me - "I am at lunch. That's why I was outside when you stopped me."
Boss - "So...if you haven't then don't. Why don't we get blinds that would be cheaper and-"
I hung up.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
NSFW?
This one actually made me smile.
Two weeks ago the receptionist called me in a tizzy.
Her - "Come to my desk...pleeeezzzze."
Me - "On my way" I knew something was up. She is pretty solid.
I go to her desk and she is sweating bullets looking like she is going to puke from worry.
Me - "What?"
Her - "I accepted a package for the other business."
This is normal, we take their packages sometimes as they are a part time business ran by a couple people.
Me - "Call them and tell them."
Her - "I didn't know it was theirs."
Me - "Shit"... that meant she opened it... I could tell right away from how she said it.
What was it...?
It was a female product of the 6" variety. I swear on my life, loves and family.
In nice hard plastic bubble wrap. And the back of the product was NON marked.
So the receptionist picked it out of the box with the actual safety cone orange side...facing the CEO as he stood in front of her checking the morning mail and bitching because their was no candy at the front desk.
Yes friends she opened a dildo...in front of the boss.
And guess who got to walk said dildo to the other company and apologize for opening it.
That would be me.
Two weeks ago the receptionist called me in a tizzy.
Her - "Come to my desk...pleeeezzzze."
Me - "On my way" I knew something was up. She is pretty solid.
I go to her desk and she is sweating bullets looking like she is going to puke from worry.
Me - "What?"
Her - "I accepted a package for the other business."
This is normal, we take their packages sometimes as they are a part time business ran by a couple people.
Me - "Call them and tell them."
Her - "I didn't know it was theirs."
Me - "Shit"... that meant she opened it... I could tell right away from how she said it.
What was it...?
It was a female product of the 6" variety. I swear on my life, loves and family.
In nice hard plastic bubble wrap. And the back of the product was NON marked.
So the receptionist picked it out of the box with the actual safety cone orange side...facing the CEO as he stood in front of her checking the morning mail and bitching because their was no candy at the front desk.
Yes friends she opened a dildo...in front of the boss.
And guess who got to walk said dildo to the other company and apologize for opening it.
That would be me.
Idiot Jenga
I spent almost 4 hours today trying to figure out a way one of my employees could find hours available in his job to stack boxes like the main boss wants.
You see our printer room always has stuff in it, our bosses are always showing people around... our bosses don't like boxes... even though those boxes are money to us.So each week we spend about 2-3 hours stacking... boxes in random places so that they don't get to high to draw attention and are still nearby to ship out.
Its like a case of Idiot Jenga.
Recycled Vegtables
I noticed today that one of the employees was FILLING the recycling with vegetable slices, extra bits and rinds. I noticed this for a couple hours and then finally tracked them down.
This is the EXACT conversation.
Me - "Are you putting veggies and fruit and shit in the recycling box?"
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "Why don't you put them in the compost or the garbage."
Employee - "They are full."
Me - "Then why not just use the garbage disposal?"
Employee - "We have one?"
Me - "Yes we always have."
Employee - "Where?"
Me - "..."
Employee - "In the kitchen?"
Me - "In the... sink."
Employee - "Oh I didn't even look there."
This is the EXACT conversation.
Me - "Are you putting veggies and fruit and shit in the recycling box?"
Employee - "Ya."
Me - "Why don't you put them in the compost or the garbage."
Employee - "They are full."
Me - "Then why not just use the garbage disposal?"
Employee - "We have one?"
Me - "Yes we always have."
Employee - "Where?"
Me - "..."
Employee - "In the kitchen?"
Me - "In the... sink."
Employee - "Oh I didn't even look there."
More Garage and Toaster Adventures
I am sitting at my desk, chatting with a co-worker when another walks up to me.
Employee - "I crashed my car."
Me - "Where?"
Employee - "Downstairs."
So we go to the basement and the employee's nice new Ford was jammed up against the basement's reinforcement pillar.
Employee - "Can you help me."
Me - "Sure."
Employee gets in.
Me - "Go forward slow."
Brake lights come on, tail lights come on, reverse lights come on.
Oh shit.
Bumper and front quarter panel are nicely removed with the screeching of metal.
Employee - "That wasn't reverse tee hee."
Me - ... "No, no it wasn't."
I move the items now on the ground.
The employee moves forward, then back...then forward, then back, then forward and back again and the sound of metal is echoing all across the street, and boom they are now free of the offending pillar.
Employee - "Thank gawd."
Me - "So call your insurance and tell them."
Employee - "Oh I did, I already called my husband he is on his way to see it."
BAM...
Screech.
Bang.
Toyota pickup with a collapsed right tire limps into the basement.
Employee - "Oh there he is."
He smashed into our outer barricade while texting her.
...Wonderful.
It was snowy that day but no excuses for dumb.
I go back upstairs fill out paperwork and begin working.
New employee - "Uhm...we need you in the kitchen."
Me - "Whats wrong?"
Employee - "Something is wrong with the toaster oven."
I walk in, the front of the toaster over has something clear and nasty baked onto it and its smoking. I unplug it.
Me - "What the fuck is that?"
Employee - "Someone taped a sign to the front that said 'Not to use it' because the settings were off."
Me, now realizing that this horrid stinking mass was clear tape that had nastied on the front of the super hot over. "Why did you use it?"
Employee with a totally straight face and happy as a clam, "I was baking modeling clay."
Me - "In our toaster oven?"
Employee - "Ya I don't have an oven at my apartment."
Employee - "I crashed my car."
Me - "Where?"
Employee - "Downstairs."
So we go to the basement and the employee's nice new Ford was jammed up against the basement's reinforcement pillar.
Employee - "Can you help me."
Me - "Sure."
Employee gets in.
Me - "Go forward slow."
Brake lights come on, tail lights come on, reverse lights come on.
Oh shit.
Bumper and front quarter panel are nicely removed with the screeching of metal.
Employee - "That wasn't reverse tee hee."
Me - ... "No, no it wasn't."
I move the items now on the ground.
The employee moves forward, then back...then forward, then back, then forward and back again and the sound of metal is echoing all across the street, and boom they are now free of the offending pillar.
Employee - "Thank gawd."
Me - "So call your insurance and tell them."
Employee - "Oh I did, I already called my husband he is on his way to see it."
BAM...
Screech.
Bang.
Toyota pickup with a collapsed right tire limps into the basement.
Employee - "Oh there he is."
He smashed into our outer barricade while texting her.
...Wonderful.
It was snowy that day but no excuses for dumb.
I go back upstairs fill out paperwork and begin working.
New employee - "Uhm...we need you in the kitchen."
Me - "Whats wrong?"
Employee - "Something is wrong with the toaster oven."
I walk in, the front of the toaster over has something clear and nasty baked onto it and its smoking. I unplug it.
Me - "What the fuck is that?"
Employee - "Someone taped a sign to the front that said 'Not to use it' because the settings were off."
Me, now realizing that this horrid stinking mass was clear tape that had nastied on the front of the super hot over. "Why did you use it?"
Employee with a totally straight face and happy as a clam, "I was baking modeling clay."
Me - "In our toaster oven?"
Employee - "Ya I don't have an oven at my apartment."
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