Cubicle Theatre

Last one for the day.

My coworker comes to me and says - "You better go look in the A/V room. Somebody is doing something stupid."
I have just got back from working out. I am tired but I figure...hell how bad can it be?
I go to look. Expecting...well who knows.
I open the door to see two of our most pasty skinned employees. Standing on the table...but that's not all, on the rickety table they have a WHEELED chair. And one is standing on that, and the other is trying to hold it as it shakes.
Me - "Jezuz. Come on guys the boss will freak get down."
Employees - grumble grumble
They get down.
Me - "What the hell were you trying to do?"
Employee 1 - "We wanted to watch a movie."
Me - "Just put one in!"
Employee - "At our desk."
Me...looking at the MOUNTED projector - "It's mounted...and its a projector. You can't play it at your desks. You wouldn't be able to see it."
Employee 1 - "...."
Employee 2 - "...."
Something begins to trouble me. Our Janitor has been trying to call me. 3 times...he rarely calls but I did not have the time to call him back.
Me - "If you want to watch a movie do it in here"
Employee 1 - "K!"
Employee 2 - "Ok thanks."
They rushed off a bit faster than I am accustomed to them moving.

I call the janitor.
Seems these two had tried to talk him into turning ALL the lights off on the level so they could watch the movie at their desks. In fact, they had a whole shitload of food and random crap to eat and speakers to plug into the projector and blankets to cover the windows and like little rednecks they had nails and hammers to HAMMER the nails into the walls to hold the blankets.
The strange thing. Their cubicles are basically little boxes, the A/V room is a huge amazing room with a couch, chairs and a bose sound system.
Nerds.
Got to love em.

Return of the Chicken

My Revenge:

So this morning. I walk past the cubicle of the employee bitching about the recycling box not being compost like they thought. They are STILL bitching about me telling them off.

So I promptly went to our garbage, found the bag I put that chicken in last night. Had our receptionist make a awesome looking Greeting Card that said "I was thrown into the recycling by someone who was not intelligent enough to follow directions. Does anyone want to adopt me?"
And put it on the breakroom table.

Ha.
I can here that employee in there right now. Throwing it away.
Good times. 

Later:
My boss just walked by.
Him - "Did you put up that greeting card?"
Me - "Yep"
Him - "Awesome."
He gave me a high five and a 20 dollar gift card to our theaters.
I love that gentle tard.  

Recycled Chicken

I am at lunch.
I see fellow employees.
I sit down and we begin talking.
Not so smart employee #1 - "I noticed that the sink in our office wasn't draining."
Me - "Did you try the disposal?"
Employee - "Ug no I don't use those."
Me - "Why?"
Employee - "Too much energy is used. I just put my stuff in the compost."
Me - "That makes sense...wait, we don't have a compost."
Employee - "It looks like one."
Me - "What looks like one?"
Employee - "That bag behind the shelf. It's always got stuff in it."
Me...thinking hard. "The fucking cardboard recycle bag?"
Employee shrugs - "I don't know I didn't look."
Me - "It's not even in the kitchen!"

I get back to site. Yep. There is food of ALL kinds in the very very clearly identified "CARDBOARD RECYCLING" cubicle.
I call cleaning.
And I then realize that I have had four complaints of a strange smell coming from that area.
That would be the fucking chicken that was under an old packing box.
What a shithat.

Waterpark Adventures

Here goes.

"Boom splash" The sound of something horrible comes from the kitchen at work.
I go in.
Employee #1 stands there covered in water. The new water filter spraying everywhere.
I rush to turn it off.
Me - "What happened?"
Employee - "I wanted filtered water so I pushed the button."
Me - "What button?"
Employee - "That one"
She points in the general direction of the filter...or maybe the sink.
I look over and see an indicator for filtered and unfiltered and a switch for both. No button. Then I look behind it, on the opposite side, hidden, unlike the FILTERED and UNFILTERED switch, is a small button.
The hidden button reads "Eject Filter"
Me -"This one?" I point.
Employee - "Ya that one."
Me - "These two say filtered and unfiltered its a switch."
Employee - "I didn't think to read them."
I walk away.

Hours go by.
Phone rings.
Me - "How can I help you?"
Employee #2 - "The power is off in my cubicle"
Me - "Ok I will be right there."
I hear coworkers chuckling as they have come to expect weirdness.
I go to the employee's desk. Everything is off, lights, goldfish bowl, computer. Digital phone works but they get there power from the outlets we use.
Me - "What happened"
Her - "I don't know I was just working on a document and everything shut off."
Me - "Ok let me look"

Now a bit of history, just 2 weeks ago this same employee decided to go barefoot for the day at her desk and shut off the power strip with her big toe. That caused me 15 minutes of my life.
So I figure...maybe that. So I go under the desk.
And place my hand firmly in a 1/4 inch of water.
Me - "What the jebus!"
Employee "What?"
Me - "There is water down here. It's all over"
I see a puddle of about 3-4 feet. A wet spot on the carpet. I unplug the power strip which leaks water out of the fucking plug-ins itself and get the hell out of the water.
I stand up. My eyes roll to the fish tank.
"Fuck" I whisper.
Employee - "What?"
Me - "Nothing....so does your fish tank leak?"
Employee - "Nope. Well it is hot so the water has been evaporating faster than normal. It's low sometimes."
Me - "Do you pour water into it?"
Employee - "Ya I did today."
Me - "Just once?"
Employee - ...  "It's been hot."
Me - "So more than once?"
Employee - ... "Ya like four or five times."
Good fucking god!
It's a wonder she didn't blow the entire wall outlet.
I replace the outlet, call some people to clean it.

I come back.
"The fish tank is leaking. You should probably replace it. But no matter what you need to fix it."
I shit you not less than two hours later she was using the fucking coffee maker's coffee pot. Three little nasty goldfish. Now we have a couple extra ones of these so...I guess its not like we will be using it tomorrow but still. What a dicktard.
I tell the boss.
He says "... Again."
I walk out.

Whitewash the Server Room

Another cool one from this morning.

The tech asked for help with inventory so I sent one of my people, a normally dependable person with him.
They keep coming back looking for more asset tags.
Keep coming back.
Needing more.
For a small room.
I try to ignore it but I can't.

Employee - "Can I have some more tags."
Me - "No gawd dammit. You have over 350. How could you use that many?"
Employee shrugs. "Lots of stuff."
Me - "Fuck that."

I go into the room. The tech is busy with an emergency and left this kid with instructions to asset stuff.
Oh he has, he has begun by sticking asset tags on the computers, and their video cards, the fucking power supplies, vga cables, and the empty boxes the hard drives were in, the racks, the memory boxes, the hard rives and their wires.
Basically...everything.
Everything. Little white barcode tags are dotting half the room like someone flicked paint on everything.
The best part, the kid barcoded the barcode reader (he didn't know thats what it was).
The tech comes in and sees what has happened.
Tech - "What the fuck?"
Me - "Did you tell him to asset everything?"
Tech - "..."
Me - "That's what I thought."

So now the kid is in there tearing off asset tags from everything. Even the god damn video card he got ahold of.
And I ask the tech why he had to leave.
Tech - "Some random employee thought the AC was too loud for their meeting and when they could not find the switch they saw the AC for the server room and thought it fed the others and unplugged the secondary unit."

Good times.

Case of the Missing Batteries

I come into the office one Monday morning.

ALL the batteries are gone from all the remotes, from the bosses remote/laser pointer and from two wireless mice.
I already know what the fuck happened.
I go down to the video room and the Wii is out and all the remotes are sitting there.
Batteries from all of the employees are there.
I find the employee I know did it.

Me - "Why did you take the batteries"
Employee - "My friends were here and we wanted to play the Wii."
Me - "First of all its not your stuff, second you can't bring friends in on the weekends. And why is the log not signed out for the room"
Employee - "I didn't want anyone to know that they were here."
Me - "Obviously...but why?"
Employee - "Well two of them have got in a lot of trouble with the law for stealing."

Sigh.

The Little Goldfish That Could

And another gem.

I hear a spoon being mulched by the garbage disposal.
So I go to the kitchen.
No one.
The disposal is barely running and in safe mode a little audible alarm going off.
I come to it, unplug it and remove a very warped and bent fork.
Employee is no where to be seen.
Hmmmm.
I go sit down.

"Hey why won't the disposal work." I hear someone yell.
I get up and walk over.
Me - "There was a fork in it, I unplugged it."
Employee - "That was mine. I was cleaning my beta fish bowl and the glass marbles fell down the drain."
Me - "With a fork?"
Employee - "I was using the fork to get them out."
I now notice what the employee has in their hand.
The wet/dry vacuum.
Me - "You were NOT going to try to vacuum the marbles out were you?"
Employee - "No...."
They stand there.
I stand there.
10 seconds of them standing there.
Employee - "Its a wet/dry."

Me - "I am calling someone don't touch it."
Employee - "ok"
I call the plumber who comes in.
The fucking employee had dropped the beta fish in there. And aside from a torn fin he was alive!
That fucker was going to fork that fish out, then wet vac him out.
Well... I guess he was trying.

 Followup:
Mc Scrappy Pants is now on my desk.
I don't care if we are not supposed to have shit like this at our desk.
I saved the little bugger he is mine.

Brighter Than the Sun

I am walking to lunch. Its time to eat and my brain is on a burrito.
I come down the stairs. The boss is heading up the stairs
Boss - "Do you have a minute?"
Me - "Oh sure"

We walk up 3 flights of stairs to the conference room. He points at the conference projector.
Boss - "It's not super bright."
Me - "We don't have shades on the room, remember that's what I asked for but you said no."
Boss - "Ya but I thought the projector would be brighter."
Me - "I can get some shades"
Boss - "Can you look into a different projector...?"
Me - "..."
Boss - "because it should be brighter."
Me - "It can't beat the sun..."
Boss - "Oh I know but see if you can get a newer one."
Mind you this is less than 6 months old.
Me - "I don't agree with it but sure."
Boss - "Ok thanks."

I go and eat my lunch.
The cell rings.
Boss - "Did you order a projector yet."
Me - "I am at lunch. That's why I was outside when you stopped me."
Boss - "So...if you haven't then don't. Why don't we get blinds that would be cheaper and-"

I hung up.

NSFW?

This one actually made me smile.

Two weeks ago the receptionist called me in a tizzy.
Her - "Come to my desk...pleeeezzzze."
Me - "On my way" I knew something was up. She is pretty solid.
I go to her desk and she is sweating bullets looking like she is going to puke from worry.
Me - "What?"
Her - "I accepted a package for the other business."
This is normal, we take their packages sometimes as they are a part time business ran by a couple people.
Me - "Call them and tell them."
Her - "I didn't know it was theirs."
Me - "Shit"... that meant she opened it... I could tell right away from how she said it.
What was it...?

It was a female product of the 6" variety. I swear on my life, loves and family.
In nice hard plastic bubble wrap. And the back of the product was NON marked.
So the receptionist picked it out of the box with the actual safety cone orange side...facing the CEO as he stood in front of her checking the morning mail and bitching because their was no candy at the front desk.

Yes friends she opened a dildo...in front of the boss.
And guess who got to walk said dildo to the other company and apologize for opening it.
That would be me.

Idiot Jenga

I spent almost 4 hours today trying to figure out a way one of my employees could find hours available in his job to stack boxes like the main boss wants.

You see our printer room always has stuff in it, our bosses are always showing people around... our bosses don't like boxes... even though those boxes are money to us.
So each week we spend about 2-3 hours stacking... boxes in random places so that they don't get to high to draw attention and are still nearby to ship out.

Its like a case of Idiot Jenga.