Offering to Help

So last week we had a new construction project at work. Since I no longer do this I decided I would offer my assistance when we got slow in our own group.
So I called the person in charge.
Me: "I have time, you want me to help you with the plans?"
Coworker 1 : "Uh...No. We have it well in hand."
Me: "Ok. I wasn't meaning anything by it. I just had extra time and figured-"
Coworker 1: "No we have it handled."

About 2 days later I get an email at midnight.
"Hey I know your busy but can we get your help with the construction project?"
I called the coworker and their boss answered-
Me: "I got your email I can help sure. But are you sure you need it? I called a couple days ago and asked as well but they said they had it all taken care of."
Silence...
20 seconds of complete silence.
Coworker 2: "You asked them a couple days ago?"
Me: "Ya."
Coworker 2: "Gotcha. Well why don't you help us out tomorrow."

I show up and notice an entire wall is installed backwards...an entire wall. I am not sure how anyone could have missed the fact that the fucking wrong side of the wall was showing and painted the wrong color now.

Me to Coworker 1: "The wall is...installed backwards. The facing should be towards the main room and the wall panelings facing the hallways. Instead the inner section is facing the hallway."
Coworker 1: "Hey I didn't tell them to call you and get your help. We had it taken care of."
Me: "Ya that explains the wall being installed backwards. Keep up the good work. Make sure the door has deadbolt on the outside."

God damn. Admitting you can't handle something is fine. But don't be an ass about it.

This...is my Yearly Review?

A couple weeks ago I get a review and it states: "Consistently shows excellent judgment at all times in leadership, decisions making and responsibilities."

In the "Suggest Goals section: "Could show growth in decision making."

So I go to talk to my boss. "Uhm. Can you explain these two things? They sound like the same thing but one is in the merits one is in the goal section."
Boss: "Oh ya remember that time when you refused to help that person because it was against process?"
Me: "Ya."
Boss: "It was then. See I know you followed process and did exactly as you should have and as myself and the other Lead had informed you but you could have still done it."
Me: "So...NOT done what you said."
Boss: "Ya."
Me: "Even though less than 3 days before that you said...if this exact situation happens I am....never to do it and refuse anyone who ask?"
Boss: "Ya."
Me: "..."
Boss: "..."
Me: "That makes shit for sense."
Boss: "Ya I can see how you would think that but..."
Me: "Yes?"
Boss: "Ya that doesn't make any sense."
Me: "You will change that then before turning in the paperwork?"
Boss: "Yes sorry about that."

Things I Overheard Last Week

Employee: "This supposedly clean fork has enough food on it for an extra meal."
Other employee: "Don't use it then. You need to go on a diet anyway."

Lead to Employees at meeting: "We need to make sure we put recycling in the recycling bins I keep finding cans in the trash and garbage in the recycle bins."
Employee: "Don't they go to the same place anyway?"
Lead: "No one goes to the recycling center. One I suppose goes to the dump."
Employee: "I am...not sure I believe that."
Lead: "We can toss you in one of them and you can write us a letter from whichever one you end up at."

Employee: "I love this iMac mouse its awesome. Except I can't get the middle button to work."
Other employee: "Thats a sticker...from logitech. That's not a iMac mouse."
Employee: "Oh I thought it was."
Other employee: "Why?"
Employee: "Because its...uhm...because its white and plugged into this computer."

Client Support to Customer: "No I am sorry that offer isn't valid anymore. The deadline has passed."
Client: "There are really no such things as deadlines."
Client Support Rep...not missing a beat: "And now there is no such thing as that original offer."

Things I Overhead This Last Week 1/3/2011 & Before Christmas

While making a group batch of New Years Eve cookies:
"Man I am fighting this horrible flu. Last night I thought I had end stage colon cancer. Can you grab the butter?"

Employee: "I don't think that people should celebrate Christmas, its racist."

The day before Christmas vacation started for our company.
Boss: "If the Christmas lights get in the way of people doing work we will need to discuss taking them down."
Me: "Uhm. We start vacation tomorrow, no one will be here."
Boss: "Ya just inform me if we have to take them down..."

Boss: "We really should not be buying people Christmas presents for people at work."
Me: "Understood. We should probably inform people then."
Boss: "I can take care of that I have to drop my gift off to the accounting person they can send out an email..."
Me: "You bought them... a gift?"
Boss: "Ya I got them this really nice set of dinnerware."
Me: "Ah... k."

A Fun Week

Worker 1 "I only eat babyfood when I am on a diet."
Worker 2 "Uhm really? Why?"
Worker 1 "Its natural." rummages through bag to put out the little jar.
Worker 2 "So are apples."
Worker 1 "Oh no they aren't..."

Boss "We need to figure out a way to work less on support of employees and more on outside vendors."
Me "Hire smarter employees."
Boss "Hahahaha. Well we could but lets start with training. Why don't we have a 2 hour training video."
Me "Ok I can make one. On what?"
Boss "Our support software."
Me "Uhm it works only on PC and doesn't work on Macs. Thats why we have all the issues."
Boss "Who decided to buy that?"
Me "The CEO"
Boss "Oh...ok."

Worker 1 "Something fucking reeks in the kitchen"
Worker 2 "Check the fridge."
Worker 1 "No way I think it is coming from there."
Worker 2 "Then don't open the fridge."
Worker 1 "My FOOD is in there."
Worker 2 "What is it?"
Worker 1 "Cheese and brocollii soup"
Me piping in from my desk, "That's what fucking stinks."
Worker 1 "Oh...I think your right. Sorry"


Boss "How was your weekend?"
Me "Ok. Just ate turkey and watched tv."
Boss "Really? I thought you didn't eat meat."
Me "I only eat meat hahahaha. Seriously though, no I have no problem with meat."
Boss "I thought it was you."
Me "Nope"
Boss "Do you eat bacon?"
Me "Yes"
Boss "I love bacon"
Me "Can we start my yearly eval? I am already overtime for the day."
Boss "Oh ya. Sorry. I just like bacon."
Me "About my review..."

Employee "I can't find the stickers for the folders."
Me "Did you check the drawer labeled office supplies."
Employee "No."
Me "Where did you check?"
Employee "..."
Me "..."
Employee "..."
Me "You didn't check anywhere at all did you?"
Employee "You don't need to be an ass about it."

How Many People Does it Take?

To figure out you can't install PC software on the mac?
4.
And around 30 minutes of time.

How many times do they have to be asked if that is the case before replying accurately?
10+

Is Facebook and Redbook the same thing?
No:(

Good day today.

Wonder Where He Went?

I got sick last week and decided to leave early so I emailed all the groups and informed them I was taking a early day off.

My boss emails: "Do we have muffins?"
I email back. "I am not sure. I am home right now though. I can check tomorrow."
He emails back: "Ok that's fine. Thanks get better."

A couple hours later another email alert goes off on my cell phone.
Boss askes, "Do we have coffee?"
I email back. "I...do not know. Probably. I didn't check his morning."

2 hours pass: "Do you have your credit card on you?"

I didn't respond. I KNOW he was going to have me go get him coffee at his favorite place.

The Ugly Chair

My boss called me this weekend:
Boss: "Can we find out if we can replace all the chairs at the office?"
Me: "Sure. I can work with my replacement. And see what they want to do?"
Boss: "Can you handle it?"
Me: "Well I can but I don't have purchase ability now, or even codes for purchases."
Boss: "Oh. Why?"
Me: "I don't do that job anymore. I just do my current one. That's what my replacement is supposed to do."
Boss: "Oh ok...I will call them. Sorry to bother you at home."
Me: "It's fine."

5pm tonight I get home from running.
Voice-message on my home phone: "Hey. I got your card data so you can replace all the chairs at work. I don't like them and I think they are bad. I counted them we need 84. Can you start on that on Tuesday? Thanks. Have a good weekend."

Second message: "Oh also lets keep this sort of hush hush for now. Buy them and replace them on Thanksgiving weekend when people are gone so they can not complain. I don't know if anyone else has an issue with them but me."

I AM NOT EVEN IN THAT DAMN SECTION ANYMORE!
80+ chairs because they don't like the look.
Sigh

Pants are Overrated

Operations story from Jan 2008

One of our conference rooms is incredibly nice. Very decked out with tons of leather items and nice tables and so forth. A full restroom as well where people can come in after working out, biking to work, or so on and change their clothes.

After only one week I notice a strange... darkness on the tan leather couch. It just looks stained. Darker I guess.  I forget about it.
Two weeks later I notice it is worse. Then when I try to get closer to it I realize what... it is. Its an assmark.

So I wait in the morning for people.
I watch who comes in and out and notice one particular person who comes in every morning. I figure I will just ask them not to sit down with wet clothes.
This is what occurred.

Me: "Hey if your using that conference room make sure to always keep your wet clothes off the leather couch if you can."
Employee: "Oh I never sit on the couch with wet clothes."
Me: "Oh ok. I just noticed that it seems wet in the mornings when you bike in."
Employee: "Oh that's not from clothes. I come in 2 hours early and let my clothes dry and watch news."
Me: "Wait... your in them?"
Employee: "No I am hanging them."
Me: "Then... what are you doing?"
Employee: "I just sit down and watch tv."
Me: "With NO CLOTHES ON!?"
Employee: "No, I wear underwear."
Me: "ah..."
Employee: "Usually."
Fuckaarooo

Case of the Missing Workflow Data

Another sections boss called me Wednesday.
Boss: "We can't find the data on workflow for the last two weeks. Can you find it for us?"
Me: "Did you mean to call me? I don't have that data."
Boss: "Ya I heard you worked with us for one day."
Me: "Well. Ya I did one day. But why don't the admins for workflow have that?"
Boss: "Oh I don't know. We just figured if anyone was listening during the meetings it would be you."
Me: "Well... ya but I mean..."  Sigh  "I will look."
I found the data and gave it to them.
Two hours later I get an email from that boss.
"Thank you very much. We needed that today and you came through."

Later that day I get an instant message from my boss.
"Please don't give team 'A' workflow data. It may be wrong."
Me: "They had no data. And asked me to supply it."
Boss: "Why didn't they have it?"
Me: "I am not sure."
Boss: "Oh ok. Do you have ours?"
Me: "Yes, its on the server in the same place."
Boss: "It's on our server?"

For christ sakes these people are in charge...